Loneliness and Bad Relationship Rebound
by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.
Author, Attorney, Podcaster, Media Commentator, Motivational Speaker, and Creator of the World's Most Successful Breakup Program.
- Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You (Hachette Book Group 2009)
- Getting Back Out There: Secrets to Successful Dating and Finding Real Love After the Big Breakup (Hachette Book Group 2015)
- Getting Past Your Past Workbook: The Definitive Workbook to Emotional Healing, Health and Happiness (La Bella Vita Publishing 2012)
- GPYP Power! Affirmations (La Bella Vita Publishing 2019)
Background to this post: I have several posts on how loneliness can skew your decision about your former relationship and ex. This one was recently requested for a rerun.
or “Good Sex in Bad Relationships”
“One of the first steps of recovery is to develop a full life for yourself. Nothing happens until that occurs. Have a plan what to do if you get lonely so you don’t do the disasterous ‘Drink and Dial!’ Or you don’t do the ‘Daydream and Dial.’ HE’S NOT DIFFERENT! Nothing has changed! Learn to build a great life and avoid the risk factor of loneliness.” ~ Sandra Brown
One of the post-sick relationships issues is returning to that sick relationship. Or going onto another sick relationship. The loneliness gets to people who have been addicted to the chaos and drama of the sick relationship. The holes in your soul are large and gaping and by keeping everything stirred up on the outside, you avoid the horrible mess on the inside. People mistake the tension of bad relationships for excitement and sexual chemistry. They do this because the descriptions in film and song reflect the “chemistry” myth – that toe-curling, swing-from-the-chandeliers sex means you’re “meant to be” despite the fact that nothing else works.
The “good sex” is part of the chaotic outside to keep things nutty in an effort to avoid the empty, painful inside that each of you have. The difference is that the “good sex” is part of the positive chaos (according to you) and feels different than the “bad relationship” chaos…but it’s all part of the same package. But some things have to work for two people to stay together – and in destructive relationships it’s usually the sex.
Loneliness becomes a vulnerability when you can’t possibly work through all the “stuff” quickly enough to outrun your loneliness and emptiness. Sandra Brown also writes: “Of the hundreds of women we have helped, almost all of them have cited loneliness, boredom, or not having a life as a reason they went back OR started yet another unhealthy relationship. One of the first steps of recovery is to develop a full life for yourself. Nothing happens until that occurs.”
Another issue that I think affects men more than women is the idea of “good sex in a bad relationship.” Robin Norwood writes about this in Women Who Love Too Much and Letters From Women Who Love Too Much (In the second book, Norwood addresses same-sex destructive relationships and relationships where men are the abuse victims).
When a relationship is chaotic and tenuous (breakup to makeup) the tension can translate into a sexual outlet and the “good sex” is mistaken for something that denotes intimacy and caring. It’s not. It’s a circus act designed to keep you in the game. It’s an unconscious thing that both parties partake in. If most people were to be honest they would have to admit they were putting on a show on some level…trying to keep their partner there with this “electrifying” performance. It takes more than good sex to keep a relationship alive. If it doesn’t happen elsewhere, what happens in the bedroom isn’t worth much.
Love making happens in every room of the house and happens with your clothes on and off. The intimacy and sharing of love making MUST MUST MUST extend to the respect and caring that goes on day-to-day and if it doesn’t then it’s just sex. And it’s meaningless. It means NOTHING if the intimacy cannot be extended beyond the bedroom. And people, especially men, need to get these images of good sex in a bad relationship out of their heads. It’s worthless.
As I’ve written on here, you have to make peace with the peace in order to move forward. You have to make peace with the ABSENCE of a lot of crazy stuff in your life. You have to embrace the “nothingness” as a good thing and not a boring thing. See HERE for a post on Making Peace with the Peace.
You have to build something after you take out the chaotic craziness. Because nature does abhor a vacuum and the more you take out, the more you have to put in. If you take away an energy-suck-horrible relationship from your life, you are taking a lot of stuff out. Something that has taken up a lot of physical, emotional and mental energy. The Getting Past Your Breakup program works by working out the bad and working in the good (see below this post for a roadmap as to HOW to work the program).
Part of working in the good is becoming comfortable with peace and comfort. Chaos is addictive and crazy sex is mistaken for how it’s supposed to feel. And the ABSENCE of that chemical craziness is often mistaken for “boring” and “not a person for me.” We, very often, reject someone who doesn’t curl our toes or make our knees weak.
It is SO important to get comfortable with comfort, to make peace with the peace and to understand that real love is quiet and comforting. Real love is about two people who support each other in a consistent, stable way. For those who have been involved in nothing but chaotic relationships, it may seem too boring or quiet. It’s not. It’s HOW things are supposed to be. Put away the need for chaos. Make peace with the peace. Build a life…a quiet, wonderful life.
Please please please build your life. Even if you’re still in an awful relationship, start the process. Other suggestions are welcome.
Be good to you!!!
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