How to Use The Books and Workbook to Do the Work !
This page is in response to many questions about how to use the books in what order etc. There are links to finding the podcast and the videos at the end. Please supplement the books with the podcasts and the videos. Use the audiobooks as reinforcement. This is the LONG version.
The “short” version is below – the check list from the workbook.
These steps are also listed in the Workbook V3. For a list of all the GPYP/GPYB and GBOT resources to help you do this work, go HERE
The work is BEST DONE using the paperback or electronic copy of the books or using the audiobook with the workbook. The audio should be used as REINFORCEMENT, not as the original way to absorb the material.
GPYB is the most successful, comprehensive breakup program in the world and one of the first books to discuss breakup grief and no contact and how to resolve historic (meaning, in your personal history) unresolved loss and move on to a happier and healthier relationship at some point. This is the most comprehensive program for getting over a breakup and getting on with a NEW LIFE.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why Is the Workbook Called “Getting Past Your Past”?
This program started out as GETTING PAST YOUR PAST in Massachusetts and Rhode Island in the mid-1990s. ‘
It was in hiatus from 2000-2005 when I went to law school and worked grueling hours as a first and second year associate.
In 2005, it was restarted in New York as a much smaller version, and a blog, for a handful of students.
After a few of the posts were forwarded to friends and then friends of friends of students, the blog went viral. The post that caused the biggest sensation was When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You. That article has been ripped off so many times, I have had to pull it, but the video is HERE. That article led to the publication of GPYB and will be the subject of my next book.
The program began in the 1990s as Getting Past Your Past, a general self-improvement seminar/workshop/course. It became Getting Past Your Breakup after most of the attendees were coming off a breakup/going through a divorce and asking for the BOOK (which did not exist). (There is, believe it or not, an author named Susan Elliott with a book Getting Past Your Past. People mix us up all the time. She’s a Christian writer and my books are secular, so we are not even remotely connected. There is ALSO a NEW book by Francine Shapiro about EMDR which is a GREAT and SUCCESSFUL methodology to deal with trauma and abuse. Her book is also called Getting Past Your Past (but came long after I had coined GPYP). You CANNOT copyright titles, but we were using it on the internet way back when and in you look at the WayBackMachine, you will see that…but it’s fine…whatever…just know that WE HAVE BEEN GPYP since 1994.)
But back to how this restarted in New York: The small GPYP classes (mostly the motivational part of the program – 2 hour classes for 6-20 people each week for 6 weeks) became WEEKEND seminars for 30-50 people who came from around the country and several came from outside the US.
At the seminars, people clamored for “the book.” There had been NO talk of or plans for the book…but it became a reality when an international women’s organization asked for the book. Since GPYP was a generic motivational program and most of my attendees were people getting over a breakup, I focused the first book on breakups. Although breakups are the main focus of the program, the program takes you back to your past and onto your future. Hence, the Getting Past Your Past and Getting Back Out There.
So Getting Past Your Past is the ORIGINAL name of the program and we came ON the internet in 2005 with https://www.wordpress.com/gettingpastyourpast and later http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com and we were the first to use it. When we noticed the OTHER Susan Elliott’s book, we moved to referring to the program as Getting Past Your Breakup (gettingpastyourbreakup.com). We had gettingbackoutthere.com for a short time, but it wasn’t really necessary. So that is the EXPLANATION as to WHY the WORKBOOK is named Getting Past Your Past.
2. When did the first book get published?
Getting Past Your Breakup (2009)
When Getting Past Your Breakup was published, it became a critical success and was named About.com’s 2009 Breakup Book of the Year.
Because of the attention paid to grief (no book had ever done that before) and introducing the concept of No Contact and insisting upon Boundaries and Self-Care as well as the EXERCISES and CLEAR ROADMAP to get over a breakup, Getting Past Your Breakup quickly shot to the top of the breakup recovery literature.
Since that time, it has been hailed as one of the best breakup books of all time by Marie Claire, Bustle, Huffington Post, and many others… You can check out some of the accolades it has received HERE as well as the many reviews on Amazon, B&N, and Good Reads (not a single review was requested or paid for or is by a family member or friend).
It has been released in paperback, electronic, audio and 7 different languages. If you have a request for a language, please contact Hachette Book Group regarding a translation
International Rights Questions – Perseus.email@example.com
Domestic Rights Questions – Perseus.firstname.lastname@example.org
Getting Past Your Breakup WORKS.
This is how:
STEPS TO GETTING OVER A BREAKUP
Buy Getting Past Your Breakup and Getting Back Out There wherever books are sold—on-line or brick and mortar and PLEASE REMEMBER TO REVIEW THEM!!!
If not, go to a LIBRARY and check them out.
If you don’t have an Amazon account, please go to review sites like Good Reads and review the books – every bit helps. If you DO have an Amazon or Barnes & Noble account, please review on Good Reads as well.
You should start out with BOTH BOOKS (Yes, both books!) and the Workbook.
The workbook contains exercises from both books as well as the GPYP seminars from back in the day – material that is not in either book.
Getting Past Your Past: the Workbook contains every GPYP/GPYB/GBOT exercise. It’s the full, comprehensive enchilada.
Download the workbook from THIS PAGE
The two books and the workbook work together. They are guidebooks and should be used as such. They should be opened every day while you’re going through this process (yes, ALL 3 – you will not absorb the 2 books, the workbook and the booklets one at a time – they are all meant to work together and these steps are in the workbook).If you are feeling better, please do not stop journaling or doing affirmations. If you do, you will find yourself NOT feeling better soon. Do not stop the program when you are feeling better. Journaling can be skipped a day or two each week when you’re doing well, but please don’t ever stop affirmations (yes EVER) – if you do – you will feel it. Read the Power! Affirmations about how positive self-talk works. But it’s a muscle that must be exercised EVERY SINGLE DAY. Do not ever skip one day of affirmations. Even 10 affirmations in the morning and 10 at night (same ones) should be good enough for the “booster” shot. DO NOT SKIP AFFIRMATIONS and:
DO NOT SKIP portions of the program. That won’t work. Do it as it’s supposed to be done. It works!!!
If you do the Relationship Inventory too early, you will think you are over it when you’re not. You will think you have uncovered everything when you have not. You will take shortcuts that you really shouldn’t take. If you go through the book once and put it away and then in a few weeks, you’re not feeling so well – that’s because you put the books away. Yes, we all want to be “well” and move on from this breakup but GPYB is not about ONE breakup. It’s about a lifetime of unresolved loss and how to finally get it right.
This work is about working out the bad and working in the good. There is a system to it and it’s been created over 25 years. There is a rhyme and a reason to it – if you short cut it, you’re going to have less than optimal results. Build your foundation; build your life. Learn your lessons – don’t rush it.
There are 2 books and many articles and the Mean Lady Talking Podcast and the YouTube videos. We offer courses, workshops, seminars and the boot camps as well as individual coaching and counseling for anyone around the world via Zoom video conference. If you need the support, please join a boot camp or sign up for individual counseling!
But this program from the beginning pages of GPYB to the last pages of GBOT, should be something you are familiar with and you see how all the parts work together.
Link to GPYB Amazon U.S.
If you are outside the US or want to purchase GPYB somewhere other than Amazon, go to THIS PAGE for options.
4. I have the 2 books and the workbook – how do I work the program?
Here are the steps:
1. Start with Getting Past Your Breakup (GPYB) paperback book and make sure you have NC, journaling, affirmations, and self-care down.
This does not mean just reading them but that NC, journaling and affirmations and self-care is full of your DAILY ROUTINE. DO NOT jump to the RI too early.
You MUST MUST MUST build a foundation under you BEFORE you do the inventories. You CANNOT do ANY of the inventories if you are actively grieving every day.
This part (#1) can take MONTHS! If you’re obsessing, you MUST do journaling every day and take the steps TO BUILD YOUR LIFE as outlined in the Obsession post HERE. Don’t do the Relationship Inventory until you have the grief and obsession under control. It will JUST make it worse. Go HERE for the Mean Lady Talking series on GRIEF
If you have issues with contact, watch the NC videos below. The No Contact concept – as the world knows it today – originated with GPYB WAY BACK in the early 90s and when GPYP introduced it on the internet in 2006.
Since that time, no contact it has become a part of the cultural fabric, but it started with GPYB/GPYP. Others have “bastardized” it as a way to get your ex back or to get back at our ex. It was NEVER intended to be used as either of those things. It is important to do it the GPYB way. Not out of spite, not as a manipulation – but as a safe, healing space for you.
While reading the book, you do not have to start at page 1 and go forward. If contact is an issue, go to the NC chapter in the book and this workbook. Watch the NC videos on the GPYP YouTube channel.
2. You should have read through the Grief chapter and understand the importance of balancing grief with self care: RE-READ CHAPTER ONE: THE ROADMAP TO HEALING in the beginning about balancing letting the bad out and the good in.
GRIEF: there are a few things to know about GRIEF. One is that it is going to dictate your breakup healing. If you ignore all the grief that came before this breakup and just zoom into the inventory, you’re going to repeat the pattern.
GPYB’s grief information is what separates GPYB from everything else (it’s NOW appearing in breakup books, but it was not that way before GPYB – and the attention to grief is what has made GPYB so successful.) Please visit the PODCAST pages and the YOUTUBE videos after you read the grief chapter in GPYB at least a few times and you are NOT in the throes of deep grieving. DON’T RUSH IT.
3. When you have a solid foundation of NC, affirmations, journaling and self-care and are not falling apart in grief, you can start the Relationship Inventory. This can be as early as 6-8 weeks but sometimes can take MONTHS or even a year or so. DO NOT RUSH IT.
I also strongly suggest watching the YouTube videos especially for the affirmations. There is a new Power! Affirmations Booklet as of March 2019. It is a VERY HELPFUL publication and will help you with absolutely everything.
If you are still deep in your feelings and/or not succeeding at NC, DO NOT do the Relationship Inventory until you are.
In the very early days, just feel your feelings for a while. Do a lot of SELF-CARE and stay NO CONTACT. The most important thing in the beginning is grieving, self-care (including affirmations, and NO CONTACT). Journal, journal and journal!!! Journaling is VERY IMPORTANT!
Watch the CLOSURE video below!!!
Read these important chapters in the book and workbook and do the exercises every day: Observation, Journaling, Affirmations (including Gratitude Lists) and Self-Care. These items MUST be part of your daily routine before you even think about doing the Inventories.
4. If you have kids, read Chapter 5 in GPYB and Chapter 7 in GBOT about parenting children after the breakup.
But the basics are FEELINGS, SELF-CARE (which MUST include Affirmations) AND NO CONTACT. If you don’t have these basics down, don’t go any further.
The Affirmations are VERY important. There is an emphasis on affirmations in both books. The Affirmation Section of the workbook was completely redone in V3 and we step up to LEVEL 2 in the brand-new Power! Affirmations Booklet available HERE and the Power! Affirmations course (available since May 2019).
But you can START Affirmations from the Affirmation Booklet. It takes you through ALL the steps from beginning to end. There is no better or more comprehensive guide to Affirmations than this Booklet.
5. When you have a solid FOUNDATION of NC, affirmations, journaling and self-care and are not falling apart in grief, you can start the Relationship Inventory. This is usually after 8-12 weeks, but it can take much longer. It’s okay if you’re not ready at 8 weeks or even at 12 weeks. Don’t worry about it. You may be processing other unresolved losses. Your grief – depending on your history and depending on your circumstances – may take longer. Don’t rush to the inventories.
6. At this point when you have the solid FOUNDATION, it’s time to open GBOT. It does not mean you’re ready to date or anywhere NEAR ready to date. GBOT is NOT a book for when you’re READY to date.
To purchase GBOT from Amazon US
If you are outside the US or want to purchase GBOT somewhere other than Amazon, go to THIS PAGE for options.
GBOT is a book to GET you ready for a healthy relationship LONG before you are ready to date and that starts when you’re still in the middle of GPYB.
DO NOT READ
THE FIRST 3 CHAPTERS
in GBOT (those are the “dating” chapters)
Instead, go to Chapter 4 in GBOT: The Standards and Compatibility List. After some of the thoughts and issues that came up in the Relationship Inventory START THIS. Out of all the things you’re going to work on between the 2 books, this is one of the MOST important and one you will hold near and dear long after you’ve forgotten your ex’s name.
7. As you work through your Relationship Inventory, pull out GBOT and review and re-review Chapter 4 in GBOT. Then pull out the worksheets in the workbook for the Standards and Compatibility Inventory and the You/Me list.
8. Now, review Chapters 8 and 9 in GBOT, “The Early Relationship” and the “Couples Inventory” and journal about what is healthy and what is not. Think about your previous relationships and what you do and do not want. Use the exercises in the Workbook to work through this.
These chapters are about what kind of relationship and what kind of partner you want. If you don’t figure this out LONG before you are ready to date, you will fail again. Start to formulate what kind of partner you want NOW. Journal about what your “3 a.m. person” looks like. OTHERWISE you will just fail again. You use these chapters to START an idea of what you want and to COMMIT to it…that when you are finally ready to date you will be able to figure out EARLY if someone is or isn’t it.
These chapters in Getting Back Out There, talk about the most important lessons of Accept It, Change It and Leave as well as communication issues and habits and lifestyles. This is about learning what a healthy relationship looks like and that it is ACHIEVABLE.
It’s not about trying to find someone you think is cute and funny and hoping your lifestyles and points of view mesh, but of figuring out what you NEED to have in your life to support your life and what you’re willing and able to do for someone else in their life without giving up who and what you are.
Even though it’s called “The Early Relationship” and the “Couples Inventory” these chapters in GBOT give you ideas about what kind of relationship you want to have and what kind of partner you want to have. It’s about starting to FORMULATE what you want in a partner and in a relationship. It’s about what is healthy and what is not. Take the time to really think about this and figure out what kind of partner will complement you and be the right type of person for you.
You MUST take this time between relationships to know what you want so that when you DO start to date, you will know immediately when to walk away. If you don’t take this time to figure all this out and COMMIT to yourself to walking away when it’s NOT RIGHT, you’re going to fail again and again and again.
KEEP FORMULATING what you want in a partner. Keep asking yourself these questions and getting this stuff DOWN and committing to this and not settling for less NO MATTER WHAT.
You have to get right about all that as you work through the rest of your breakup issues.
There is A LOT of food for thought in GBOT long before you are ready to date. Read it all (save the first 3 chapters and chapters 5 and 6 for when you actually ARE ready to date)
9. Make a commitment via Affirmations to moving away from any future potential mate the minute they exhibit “Not Acceptable” behavior or are obviously missing a “Must Have.” The advanced affirmation material will include these commitment statements.
10. While reading the GBOT chapters, journal about Accept It, Change It or Leave, Communication Issues and Habits and Lifestyles. Think about what you do and do not want in a partner. Continue the commitment statements.
11. Finish your Relationship Inventory and Your Letter and Letting Go Ritual (the letting go rituals are in the Workbook)
12. Open the Life Inventory/Mother Inventory/Father Inventory in GPYB with the idea of
what you want – it’s time to think about what you’ve had as far as relationships go and the influence of early caregivers (or absence caregivers).
13. When you’ve done the Life and Parent Inventories, it’s time to return to GBOT and do the
Sexual Inventory if you need to.
14. If you are ready to work on Overdeveloped Defense Mechanisms, go to the Overdeveloped Defense Mechanism chapter in this workbook. GPYB Productions is developing a Family of Origin course. Check the Resources page for availability.
15. Now is the time to read the Real Love Chapter in GPYB
16. Now it is time to read and work through the first 3 Chapter of GBOT. Good luck!
At this time, if you are working with books like Codependent No More or Women Who Love Too Much or whatever, it’s time to make a full program of your own and make it all work together. For a list of GPYB Recommended Books and Authors go HERE
In addition to the books and the workbook, please check out the Mean Lady Talking Podcast and the YouTubeVideosBy Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.
If you get something from the books and workbook, please review on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Good Reads and Facebook (the workbook has its own Facebook page HERE) THANK YOU!!!
HOW TO USE THE BOOKS AND THIS WORKBOOK TO DO THE WORK
GPYB is a program that was developed in the 1990s and continues to evolve as new studies and research come out in neuroscience and other disciplines that inform this incredibly effective program, which is the MOST SUCCESSFUL BREAKUP PROGRAM IN THE WORLD, but it is successful ONLY if you do it as it's supposed to be done:
These are the Tools:
1. The GPYB book: Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened to You (Available wherever books are sold).
2. The GBOT book: Getting Back Out There: Successful Dating and Finding Real Love After The Big Breakup (Available wherever books are sold).
3. The Workbook: Getting Past Your Past: The Definitive Workbook to Health, Healing and Happiness Available for instant download HERE
4. Advanced Affirmations: Power! Affirmations Booklet Available for instant download HERE
5. The GPYB Blog Posts: https://gettingpastyourbreakup.com/all-posts
6. The GPYP YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/gettingpastyourpast
7. The MLT podcast https://www.meanladytalking.com (listen on whatever podcast app you use or on YouTube - please comment on YouTube!)
8. The FB groups and pages
If you do not yet have the books, you can start the program with the workbook which is available for INSTANT DOWNLOAD (see link above in red).
The workbook will help guide you through the program.
Reading through the workbook will familiarize you with the program concepts and terminology. The workbook goes more in-depth about OBSERVATION which is a very important part of this program. Don't skip over observation. So right away, start reading about observation. Also read the Journaling chapter in the book and workbook and start journaling.
Start reading the first book, Getting Past Your Breakup. You do not have to start at page 1 and go forward. BUT, you should read about the Roadmap to Healing so you understand how the different parts of the program work together. It's about BALANCE - working the bad stuff out (grief, contact, etc.) and working the GOOD stuff in (self-care, affirmations, building a new life). Become familiar with the free resources on Youtube and the podcast. This is a TON of free material that helps to reinforce the principles of the program. Please subscribe to the Youtube channel and/or the podcast.
If contact is an issue, go to the No Contact chapter in the book and this workbook. Watch the NC videos and listen to the NC Mean Lady Talking podcasts on the GPYP YouTube channel. https://www.youtube.com/user/gettingpastyourpast You can also listen to the Mean Lady Talking podcast on major podcast providers. Go to the MLT Home page https://www.meanladytalking.com and scroll down to see a list of podcast providers. You can also listen to the podcast on the GPYB Youtube channel. Go to the link above and subscribe. You can also read No Contact articles on the GPYB website.
Even though you may be JUST off a breakup and a long way from dating, get Getting Back Out There – the 2 books work together and you need to read GBOT material LONG before you are ready to date. If you are serious about this program, you MUST get both books FROM THE BEGINNING.
Read these most important chapters in the book and workbook and do the exercises EVERY SINGLE DAY: Observation, Journaling, Affirmations (including Gratitude Lists and Self-Care.) Start doing affirmations ASAP. Make sure you are journaling every day. Make sure you are starting Gratitude Lists and Self-Care
If you have children, read Chapter 5 in Getting Past Your Breakup and Chapter 7 in Getting Back Out There.
Review the blog posts on Getting Past Your Breakup. If you have questions, there have been over 2500 articles written since 2004. Because of copyright infringers, only a handful is available at any one time. If there is a TOPIC you want a post on, please email email@example.com with the subject line: Requested Post or firstname.lastname@example.org
Review the GPYP YouTube videos and the Mean Lady Talking podcasts at https://www.meanladytalking.com. These materials will help you become comfortable with working through the books and workbook.
Review the Boundaries material in both books and this workbook.
Re-read Chapter One in GPYB: The Roadmap to Healing about balancing grief and self-care. Design a self-care regiment.
Read the Grief Chapter in GPYB a few times. Go to the Grief chapter in this workbook and start working through the exercises. Pay attention to the description of the "acceptance and integration" phase of grief. When you've done your grief work, and arrive there, you will be able to think of the good times and the happy memories without a lot of pain. That is how you know you've truly worked through the grief.
Review the PODCAST episodes and the YOUTUBE videos on grief and loss.
When you have a solid foundation of NC, affirmations, journaling and self-care and are not falling apart in grief, or being driven crazy with obsession, you can start the Relationship Inventory. This is usually after 8-12 weeks, but it can take much longer. It’s okay if you’re not ready at 8 weeks or even at 12 weeks. For some people, it can take months or even a full year before you’re ready to do the Relationship Inventory. Do it only when you are ready.
Now it’s time to really start applying GBOT. Again – this is NOT a book for when you’re READY to date. It’s a book to GET you ready for a healthy relationship LONG before you are ready to date. The two books are guidebooks and should be used as such. They should be opened every day while you’re going through this process.
As you work through your Relationship Inventory in GPYB, open GBOT to Chapter 4, The Standards and Compatibility Inventory. As some issues, problems, red flags, etc., come up in Relationship Inventory START THIS. Out of all the things you’re going to work on between the two books and the workbook, this is one of the MOST important. It is IMPORTANT to do the 2 things together.
As you work through your Relationship Inventory, pull out the worksheets in this workbook for the Standards and Compatibility Inventory and the You/Me list. These things work together. Use the "Getting Back Out There" exercises in the workbook (the S&C and the You/Me List) as you work on your relationship inventory. If you don't do this, you could forget a lot of things that need to be on one or the other. This work is hard sometimes - especially when you're dating - to "STAY FAITHFUL" to the work. Doing these pieces of work together HELPS greatly when you're out there again.
Read Chapters 8, 9, 10 and Epilogue in GBOT. These chapters are about what kind of relationship and what kind of partner you want. If you don’t figure this out LONG before you are ready to date, you will fail again. Start to formulate what kind of partner you want NOW. Journal about what your “3 a.m. person” looks like.
Write Commitment Statements as instructed in the Affirmation chapter of this workbook and/or the Affirmation Booklet. Commit to leaving any potential mate the minute they exhibit “Not Acceptable” behavior or are missing a “Must Have.” Use the Power! Affirmations booklet to advance your affirmation practice.
While reading these chapters, journal about Accept It, Change It or Leave, Communication Issues and Habits and Lifestyles. Think about what you do and do not want in a partner. Continue the commitment statements.
Review Chapters 8 and 9 in GBOT, “The Early Relationship” and the “Couples Inventory” and journal about what is healthy and what is not. Think about your previous relationships and what you do and do not want.
Continue to review the GBOT chapters every week, at least once a week. Keep asking yourself what kind of partner you want and need. Keep reviewing healthy and unhealthy communication patterns.
Finish your Relationship Inventory and Your Letter and Letting Go Ritual. Recycling in grief is NORMAL.
After you start feeling good, you will kick back into the emotional soup again at some point. It's okay. It's temporary. Review THIS POST on recycling.
Open the Life Inventory/Mother Inventory/Father Inventory in GPYB....with the idea of what you want - it's time to think about what you've had as far as relationships go and the influence of early caregivers (or absence caregivers).
When you’ve done the Life and Parent Inventories, it’s time to return to GBOT and do the Sexual Inventory if you need to.
If you are ready to work on Overdeveloped Defense Mechanisms, go to the Overdeveloped Defense Mechanism chapter in this workbook.
Now is the time to read the Real Love Chapter in GPYB and the first 3 chapters of GBOT. Good luck!