Ask the Right Questions = Do The Right Thing

Sep 19, 2021 | being friends with your ex, being used, featured, FWB with ex, Getting Past Your Breakup, healthy relationships

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

Author, Attorney, Podcaster, Media Commentator, Motivational Speaker, and Creator of the World's Most Successful Breakup Program. 

  • Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You (Hachette Book Group 2009)
  • Getting Back Out There: Secrets to Successful Dating and Finding Real Love After the Big Breakup (Hachette Book Group 2015)
  • Getting Past Your Past Workbook: The Definitive Workbook to Emotional Healing, Health and Happiness (La Bella Vita Publishing 2012)
  • GPYP Power! Affirmations (La Bella Vita Publishing 2019) 


Backstory to this post:  I wrote this post in 2008 and I don’t think I have ever re-run it. So, here it is…the LONG AWAITED rerun

Ask the Right Questions, Do the Right Thing

I recently received an email from a person who has decided to be friends with her ex in the hopes of him getting over “whatever it is” (her words, not mine – meaning whatever it was that kept him from fully committing to her) so they could resume their relationship. He comes over and talks about new women he’s seeing and sometimes they sleep together.

Seriously: Sometimes they have sex. 

Her question was: why does he talk about these other women to me?

Asking this question is like falling down an elevator shaft and asking why there are not more interesting things to look at on the way down. Let’s get some art up on these cinder blocks. That will make the journey so much nicer.

The question really is: why are you ignoring your impending death to ask about art on the walls?

Think about the answer to that question. Why would someone be avoiding/denying the actual gravity of the actual situation. 

Simply put, the REAL question is: why are you allowing your ex to be friends with you, sleep with you without commitment and talk about other women?

You are barreling down an elevator shaft at 90 miles an hour. There’s only one outcome when you reach the bottom. Musing about the lack of art on the elevator shaft walls is about your denial of the only possible outcome.


Now if there’s a way out of the elevator shaft, you’re surely going to miss it because you’re too busy asking the wrong questions. If someone tries to rescue you, they will need your attention. And they don’t have it. Because you’re busy wondering about things that don’t matter, don’t have answers and aren’t important to YOUR OUTCOME.

Why is there no art on the elevator shaft walls? Because there’s not.

Why is he coming over and talking about other women? Because he can.

What can you do about the art? Nothing.

Why should you? You shouldn’t. It doesn’t matter. You are hurtling toward certain death. Grab onto something and stop the plunge. Scream for help.  DO SOMETHING. Don’t just allow the trip to happen without any attempt at any intervention. 

What can you do about the ex with other women? Nothing.

Why should you? You shouldn’t. It doesn’t matter. Your relationship has already reached the bottom of the shaft.  It has already gone SPLAT!  You broke up and now you’re in a WORSE position…now he’s still acting like you’re together except when it comes to seeing other women, which – I’m assuming he didn’t do when you were in a relationship.

Allowing yourself to be used does not make you attractive. The ex is going to scratch whatever itch he has whenever he can, which is all the time. 

You know why? Because he can.

Why is this happening? BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT.

Those are the answers.

Now about you:

The RIGHT questions are:

who is this bananahead?
why am I still speaking to him?
why am I sleeping with him?

why am trying to babysit his brain? (for the original explanation about that, see Getting Past Your Breakup, the chapter on Rules of Disengagment)

where is my dignity?

why can’t I go full-on NC?
why do I think I want this person?
why should I want this person?
what do I need to do to get on with my life?

AND how fast will I be kicking him to the curb ?

These are the questions.

These are the RIGHT answers:

Get him out.
Get on with your life.
Stop being a doormat.
Stop allowing yourself to be used.

Stop hurtling to certain doom while looking for artwork.

Snap OUT OF your denial about your situation.

Save yourself.


Ask the right questions.

Look for the assistance that will save you.

You’ve been given the shaft.

Get out of the shaft and on with your life.

Ask the right questions.

Not why is he? But why am I? YOU are the only thing you have control over (see the GPYB workbook for more on this).

But you’ve given your power and control to HIM. 

The question is WHY? 

The answer is


Ask the right questions and you will do the right thing.

KEEP affirming what you deserve and stop worrying about what someone else is doing and thinking and behaving like a bananahead.  Stop trying to fix him (run, do not walk to everything you can find on codependency), stop babysitting his brain, stop accepting crumbs when you deserve the whole loaf. 

Kick the bananaheads to the curb. 

Love is an action.  Loving yourself enough to say “No you don’t get to…” is an action.


Registration is now open for our yearly holiday boot camp to work through breakup issues, attachment issues, low self-esteem, settling for less, childhood issues and unresolved loss. This is the most popular boot camp of the year. REGISTER NOW! Click here to join the GPYB 2021 Holiday Boot Camp.  OR send email to susan@gettingpastyourbreakup.com or gpyb.com@gmail.com for a registration form.

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