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10 Ways To Have A New You in the New Year After A Breakup

Jan 2, 2021 | 2021, boundaries, breakup, changes, featured, Getting Back Out There, Getting Past Your Breakup, new year, new year's, opportunity, personality disorder, resolution

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

Author, Attorney, Podcaster, Media Commentator, Motivational Speaker, and Creator of the World's Most Successful Breakup Program. 

  • Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You (Hachette Book Group 2009)
  • Getting Back Out There: Secrets to Successful Dating and Finding Real Love After the Big Breakup (Hachette Book Group 2015)
  • Getting Past Your Past Workbook: The Definitive Workbook to Emotional Healing, Health and Happiness (La Bella Vita Publishing 2012)
  • GPYP Power! Affirmations (La Bella Vita Publishing 2019) 

 

Backstory to this post: I wrote this post for the first time in 2007 and have edited it and posted it January 1 every year since. Much has happened in the past 14 years, and 2020 was BRUTAL, but this sentiment remains exactly the same.  Even though “starting over” now comes with this new, difficult list of constraints due to the pandemic, this is STILL how you do it. Work the GPYB Program and get on with life. You can do this! 

How To Work The GPYB Program 

Listen to the Mean Lady Podcast on Whatever Podcast App You Use or On You Tube


We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives… not looking for flaws, but for potential. – Ellen Goodman

The most important part of rebuilding after a major breakup is to plan out what comes next. For many it may be hard. We might be feeling lost, alone and not “up” to thinking about being the cheerleaders of our lives. We may be kicking and screaming our way through the idea of going it alone. In the past few weeks we’ve felt absolutely shipwrecked by the holidays. We just want them to be over (and they almost are!)

But starting over is not always a horrible, terrible thing. We don’t get a lot of do-overs in life and, as it says in the GPYB book, a breakup is a great opportunity to evaluate things and think about things you want to do for yourself, you want to be or changes you want to make that were not possible to make while in a relationship…especially if the relationship took up so much energy. 

The GPYB program is one where you use a devastating loss to change your life for the better. It has been used by thousands who attest to its life-changing components. It’s all here and you can use it to get right with yourself and then you will be right with others.

1. GPYB Teaches You To Become Healthy, Happy and WHOLE

“To Find The Right Person, We Must BE The Right Person.”

It is important to forge your own identity, to understand who and what you are or what you want to be. You have to change the person you are otherwise you will wind up in a very similar relationship to the one that did not work out. The Relationship Inventory is about looking at the relationship objectively and taking responsibility for what part you played. What emptiness you had that needed to be filled by someone, anyone. What red flags you missed. What unacceptable behavior you accepted. What unreasonable and reasonable things were said and done to each other. What you need to change about YOU including building a new life of HOBBIES, INTERESTS and FRIENDS and the scrutiny you give new people.

Getting into a GOOD relationship requires that we learn to tolerate our own company. TO be a healthy person with discerning tastes, you must get rid of any desperation to BE with someone. You must be able to tolerate and then learn to enjoy your own company. See the GPYB video “Is It Bad To Not Want To Be Alone

and also the Number One GPYB video: When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You

2. GPYB Teaches Us To Resolve Unresolved Grief

GPYB was one of the first breakup books to recognize post-breakup grief. Its handling of it in the books and workbook sets it apart from every other book. It recognizes that grief is the most emotionally difficult experience a person can have. Yet, it is also can be a time of great healing, of great change and of growth. That is, if you allow the grief to run its course, to be gentle with yourself in the process and allow it to bring you where you need to go.

Pushing away the great pain is human but if you know that in the pain is great hope, is great learning, is the opportunity for a great life, you will go through easier and come out wiser.

Even on the most horribly painful days, remember that if you allow you your grief and allow you your learning and BE GOOD to yourself during this time…and INSIST that others be good to you as well, you will come out stronger, better, wiser and more self-aware.  Use the GPYB books and workbook to work through your unresolved grief. 

Use pain wisely…otherwise there is no reason for it and suffering for suffering sakes is never a good state of things. Be gentle, be good, be knowing. It will lead you to great things inside you. Trust that it will.  For more, see the GPYB YT Grief and Loss Playlist

3. GPYB Teaches Us Observation Skills.

The time out of relationships is time to practice observation before you meet potential romantic interests. Over 75 percent of GPYB private clients and boot campers are former partners of the personality disordered. Before going back out there, you need to learn to not be “taken in” by those who would tell you one thing and act in a completely different way. You have to stop accepting apologies from unreliable people for unacceptable behavior. At some point, a person who has to apologize over and over again is someone who does not know how to act lovingly and they have to be dropped. Like a stone. To the bottom of the ocean. You must know how to expect fair and sane and reasonable treatment from everyone and loving and caring from those closest to you. And not settle for anything less. An important part of observation is understanding Frame of Reference. 

4. GPYB Teaches Us No Contact

You must STAY NC and stop throwing pearls to swine. No, NC is not easy in the beginning. Like quitting smoking or any bad habit or even starting a NEW habit like eating right and exercise, what is good for you isn’t easy. Put down the Contact Cake, the Contact Cigarette, the Contact Crack and resolve to put yourself and your well being before CONTACT. STAY NO CONTACT. Once and for all. Your ex is not a random itch you have to scratch. More like a tick that needs removal and flushing down the toilet. See also the GPYB No Contact YouTube Playlist 

5. GPBY Teaches Us That “Chemistry” and Fireworks Are Often Danger Signs

You must learn that physical chemistry and even surface level emotional chemistry comes often to most people. True caring and connection and real love are not easily accomplished and when you get “picky,” as you should be getting, the field of potential mates thins out quite a bit but choosing from a small field of quality people is better than choosing from a large field of miscreants, mismatches, morons and potentially dangerous or personality disordered people. See Also the GPYB YouTube Personality Disorders Playlist or the Narcissism Playlist

6. GPYB Teaches That Love Is An Action

You must learn that love is an action and what do you want and what you need to do to get it (reject the mismatches). You learn that you get what you put up with and if you don’t stand up for something, you will fall for anything.

So changing who you are and the way you approach relationships (all relationships, not just romantic rebuilding) remains vital to moving past your breakup. And one way to undermine rebuilding is to fall into the silly trap of New Year’s Resolutions. Not that they are completely useless, but to be effective, they have to be done RIGHT.

7. GPYB Teaches Us How To Plan Goals and How To Reach Them

This New Years we should begin to think of all the things we want to do and resolve to do. But the best way to think about resolutions is what we have the potential to do…what dreams we can make come true, what opportunities we can make happen, what successes we would like to experience.

The GPYB Workbook has an entire Chapter on Goals.  Pair that with the Power! Affirmations Chapter on Action Affirmations and the program gives you ALL the tools you need for success. Success starts with believing that success is possible and what needs to be done can be done and inside you there is a person ready to make it all happen…because it is.

Success is not defined by what you are worth, but how much self-worth you have. It’s not defined by who you are with, but who you are. Success is about honoring the person you were meant to be and being that person.

Success comes about by not only resolving to be the BEST PERSON every single day but having definitive plans and goals in place. Every New Years people resolve to quit smoking, lose weight, get a better job…and that’s it! They don’t think about how or they over-reach (I’ll go to the gym 7 days a week) and set themselves up for failure.

A resolution said once amounts to nothing more than a wish and wishing does not make it so.  As a darling woman I took care of as an 18-year old CNA once told me, “If wishes were fishes, we’d all have a good swim.”  Forget wishes…go for goals…go for GOLD.

Resolutions should not be about stopping this or quitting that, it should be about the positive…of finding what is inside you to succeed…to be committed to the process of changing your life to succeed…of unlocking your potential and becoming the person you were meant to be. 

8. GPYB Teaches Us Positivity and Affirmations

Looking at our behavior that hurts us and being shocked by it and the message it sends to the world (“I’m a doormat.” “I’m a victim.” “I can’t do anything.” is Step One. But unless we are appalled by what we have become, we are not going anywhere. We need to recognize what we are doing but STOP saying “I can’t help this…” or “I guess that is the way I am…” or “I’m too afraid to do anything else…” Because we are just reinforcing all of our crap. And that needs to stop.

Step one needs to get honest about what you’re doing and then step two is to give yourself empowering, not defeating messages.

The first thing we need to learn is, as it says in the Power! Affirmation Booklet is snap back at any negative feedback and say, “No, I am strong.” or “I am healing” or “I am [insert positive thought here].

We need to respond to ourselves with loving thoughts and actions and realize that if we’re fearful we need support for that fear. We need to talk about it and embrace and say “Hey, I’m afraid!” Healthy fear is a good thing. We cannot cannot cannot sever off the parts of us that feel fear. We need those parts to be soothed and to feel safe. We can CHANGE the parts of us that feel fear to the point where we are frozen or unable to live life, but we cannot change it if we sever and separate it. It’s like cutting off your damaged arm, putting it in the garbage and wondering why it doesn’t work or it’s not working as it should or why you’re still a one-armed person. The arm cannot heal if it’s severed and tossed and hated. And that is what happens when you loathe a part of you that actually needs attention and caring and healing.

We need to understand that our fear and our pain comes from hurt places. We need to heal those places, not judge them and cast them out (because they’re not going anywhere really). To heal ourselves we need to recognize, “Okay I have this emotion that I don’t like…but what is it saying?” or “I engaged in this behavior that I don’t like….what is it saying?”

We need to work on our positive messages to ourselves and also stop judging and reacting to emotions we have as they come. We can feel irrational fear and, after we figure out that it’s irrational, think, “Oh hello fear. Nice of you to stop by but I don’t have time for you today.” Let the fear come up, watch it rise, affirm, meditate, relax. It’s the OPPOSITE of what we want to do in the face of fear (fear evokes a flight or fight response) but if we’re unreasonably fearful we can’t flee or fight, we must stay and watch it come up, do nothing, calm ourselves and allow it to lose its power. Then when we have REASONABLE fear, we know we need to fight or flee and will be more clear-minded about which one to do.

Healing involves embracing all of us and deciding what has been put there by other people and traumas and events and HEALING it, not casting it out and wagging a finger at it and saying “Bad feeling…I hate you…I hate me…I hate everything…” because that leaves us unchanged or changed for the worse.

To heal ourselves we must know ourselves and get in touch with what is going on and the messages we are being sent. We need to figure out what it is, does it help or hurt us, and if it hurts us, how to change it for the good. We must learn to be loving to ourselves and embrace the very broken parts of us that feel and act ridiculous sometimes. Acknowledge it, realize the harm it does, create a plan to change it….and then let it go for now.

It is POSSIBLE to stay out of self-judgment and still change the parts that need to change. Step back, observe, be more objective and less scornful.

In other words, be good to you.

9. GPYB Teaches Us To Have Standards and Boundaries

You absolutely must use your post breakup time to learn how to set boundaries, have standards and demand love, respect, caring, consideration, prioritization and importance from everyone in your life, including your friends, family and any romantic or potentially romantic interests.

In Getting Back Out There, (GBOT) there is the Standards and Compatibility Inventory and the Couples Inventory. You don’t have to be ready to date to do the Standards and Compatibility Inventory.  It’s something you should do before you ever get there…right after you do your Relationship Inventory when what you DON’T want is fresh in your head.  You MUST MUST MUST start working on your Standards as soon as you break up.  It takes a LONG while to commit to being true to YOU and that is what this inventory is about.

Get GBOT, start the Standards and  Compatibility Inventory the MINUTE you finish the Relationship Inventory (okay, not the minute)….and get your relationship IQ HIGHER than it’s been. See Also the Boundaries Playlist on YT and the “5 Bumps in the Dating Road” video and the Mean Lady Talking Podcast Dating Episodes

10. Use GPYB in 2021 To Be The Best You That You Can Be!

In 2021 affirm to be the best you can be, get rid of the negative messages, get rid of the “get back where you belong” messages from yourself and others, do your historical work, get rid of the destructive communication, do your grief work, become assertive and positive, develop good boundaries and set those short-term and long-term goals.

If you learn the lessons and do the work in the GPYB books and workbooks, you will take charge of you life and realize that life happens the way YOU want it to. Life is not something that will happen to you, life is something that YOU make happen.

Become the person you were meant to be.

Make your life happen NOW.

And when you are in control of your own life and not thrown about by every wind, you are a happier person.

So begin now.

Make a plan.

Set your standards.

Define your limits.

Decide what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in your life and what you will do if met with unacceptable behavior.

Don’t just throw yourself into 2021 making “resolutions” which will be forgotten by February 1 or refusing to learn from the past. If you repeat the past in the future you will just have reheated past. We will be a hamster with a new wheel and still getting exactly the same place we got to on the old wheel: NOWHERE.

Set the goals, plot out the steps to meet those goals, and keep affirming that your best life is waiting for you. 2018 is the year to go get it. You can do this!

Peace to you in 2021~

 

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