How to Use The Books and the Workbook to Do the Work !

This page is in response to many questions about how to use the books and workbook – in what order etc.

Buy Getting Past Your Breakup and Getting Back Out There wherever books are sold—on-line or brick and mortar and PLEASE REMEMBER TO REVIEW THEM!!!

You don’t HAVE to HAVE the workbook, but you should have both books. If you want to buy the workbook, Getting Past Your Past go  HERE  And you can review the workbook HERE

Based on working with clients over 20 years and reader feedback as well as how they were written, this is the best way to do the books and workbook:

The program began in the 1990s as Getting Past Your Past, a general self-improvement seminar/workshop/course. It became Getting Past Your Breakup after most of the attendees were coming off a breakup/going through a divorce and asking for the BOOK (which did not exist).

Between 1995 and 2007, the courses/seminars/workshops had booklets/worksheets. Almost all of the worksheets from the courses are included in the workbook (it is over 300 pages).

The blog Getting Past Your Past started in 2007 and changed to Getting Past Your Breakup after the book was published in 2009.

Getting Past Your Breakup is THE most successful program for getting past your breakup and healing your heart and going on to healthier relationships. For some reviews of the book and to see its placement on Best Breakup Books go HERE

DO NOT SKIP portions of the program. That won’t work. Do it as it’s supposed to be done. It works!!!

There are 2 books, a workbook and many articles and YouTube videos. The YouTube channel is

This is how to do the program to GET PAST YOUR BREAKUP:

1. Start with Getting Past Your Breakup (GPYB) book and make sure you have NC, journaling, affirmations, and self-care down.  This does not mean just reading them but that journaling and affirmations and self-care is full of your DAILY ROUTINE. You MUST MUST MUST build a foundation under you BEFORE you do the inventories. This part (#1) can take MONTHS!

You should have read through the Grief chapter and understand the importance of balancing grief with self care: RE-READ CHAPTER ONE: THE ROADMAP TO HEALING in the beginning about balancing letting the bad out and the good in.

If you have kids, read Chapter 5 about the children during the breakup.

I also strongly suggest watching the YouTube videos especially for the affirmations. Many of the affirmation videos used to be private for only clients or boot camper, there are still private ones but I’ve made a lot of them public so please watch them. They are VERY important and go through the workbook chapters. If you don’t have these basics down, don’t go any further.

The Affirmations are VERY important. Most readers report that they used the books (there is an emphasis on affirmations in both books) but the workbook and the videos were most helpful.

2. The workbook (Getting Past Your Past) goes into depth about all these topics. Many people who have done the program have reported that the workbook was VERY important in helping them understand and work through the foundation topics (NC, affirmations, self-care, grief).

3. If you have boundary issues (and just about everyone does), both books and the workbook have in-depth instructions and exercises. There are also videos on boundaries.

4. When you have a solid foundation of NC, affirmations, journaling and self-care and are not falling apart in grief, you can start the Relationship Inventory. This is usually after 5-6 weeks. If you are not succeeding at NC, DO NOT do the Relationship Inventory until you are.

5. At this point, it’s time to open Getting Back Out There (GBOT)..DO NOT FREAK OUT…this is the order I recommend to everyone. It does not mean you’re ready to date or anywhere NEAR ready to date. As I’ve said a million times, GBOT is NOT a book for when you’re READY to date. It’s a book to GET you ready for a healthy relationship LONG before you are ready to date and that starts when you’re still in the middle of GPYB. The two books and the workbook work together. They are guidebooks and should be used as such. They should be opened every day while you’re going through this process. This is a 20 year old program that is proven successful by thousands of people.


6. After your Relationship Inventory (meaning the letter and if you have the workbook, doing the Letting Go rituals if you elect to do that)….pull out GBOT.

7. DO NOT READ THE FIRST 3 CHAPTERS in GBOT. Instead, go to Chapter 4 in GBOT: The Standards and Compatibility List. After some of the thoughts and issues that came up in the Relationship Inventory START THIS. Out of all the things you’re going to work on between the 2 books and the workbook, this is one of the MOST important and one you will hold near and dear long after you’ve forgotten your ex’s name.

8. If you have children, there is another children chapter in GBOT as to how to deal with kids, your ex etc..

9. I would also suggest reading chapters 8,9, 10 and Epilogue in GBOT. These chapters are about what kind of relationship/partner do you want. LONG BEFORE you are ready to date, you MUST have an idea of what kind of relationship you want and what kind of partner you want. OTHERWISE you will just fail again. You use these chapters to START an idea of what you want and to COMMIT to it…that when you are finally ready to date you will be able to figure out EARLY if someone is or isn’t it.
These chapters talk about the most important lessons of Accept It, Change It and Leave as well as communication issues and habits and lifestyles.

It’s not about trying to find someone you think is cute and funny and hoping your lifestyles and points of view mesh, but of figuring out what you NEED to have in your life to support your life and what you’re willing and able to do for someone else in their life without giving up who and what you are. These chapters in GBOT talk about these things and you absolutely need to be thinking about these things LONG before you are ready to date.

Even though it’s called “The Early Relationship” and the “Couples Inventory” these chapters in GBOT give you ideas about what kind of relationship you want to have and what kind of partner you want to have. It’s about starting to FORMULATE what you want in a partner and in a relationship. It’s about what is healthy and what is not.

You MUST take this time between relationships to know what you want so that when you DO start to date, you will know immediately when to walk away. If you don’t take this time to figure all this out and COMMIT to yourself to walking away when it’s NOT RIGHT, you’re going to fail again and again and again.

10. Keep the GBOT stuff (Chapter 4, 8, 9, 10) as part of what you visit every week. KEEP FORMULATING what you want in a partner. Keep asking yourself these questions and getting this stuff DOWN and committing to this and not settling for less NO MATTER WHAT.

You have to get right about all that as you work through the rest of your breakup issues. There is A LOT of food for thought in GBOT long before you are ready to date. Read it all (save the first 3 chapters and chapters 5 and 6 for when you actually ARE ready to date)
11. Next, go to the Life Inventory/Mother Inventory/Father Inventory in GPYB….with the idea of what you want – it’s time to think about what you’ve had as far as relationships go and the influence of early caregivers (or absence caregivers).

At this time, if you are working with books like Codependent No More or Women Who Love Too Much or whatever, it’s time to make a full program of your own and make it all work together.  For a list of GPYB Recommended Books and Authors go HERE

11. The workbook includes Goals and Defense Mechanisms chapters that are not in either book. The GOALS is part of self-care and the parts of the books and workbook that talk about building a new life. The DEFENSE MECHANISMS can be done when you’re looking at your patterns and issues that YOU need to look at in YOU as in why do you behave the way you do and/or attracted to who you are attracted to.

The workbook also has aromatherapy and letting go rituals for those who are into ceremonies and rituals.

If you get something from the books, please review on Amazon and other places like Good Reads (or Barnes & Noble, Goodreads etc) THANK YOU!!!