Facebook Group Guidelines

If you want to know the FB Group Guidelines before joining, they are here – the only thing I have redacted are the co-mods names (which you can find out once you join) to protect their privacy. The Facebook Group is a CLOSED group and no one on your regular friends list can see it.  To join click http://www.facebook.com/groups/gettingpastyourbreakup

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Welcome! THESE ARE THE GROUP GUIDELINES. Please read them BEFORE posting ANYTHING. We are a support and self development group for people experiencing breakup. We base our work on Susan Elliott’s videos, blog posts and books – GPYB, GBOT and GPYP workbook. Please do not post until you have started to take a look at them. Because the group is getting so large, we want to allow everyone to vent/post BUT the group must stay focused on the group’s charter/philosophy.

From time to time, we need to delete posts from people who have not read the guidelines or understand the group philosophy.

PLEASE READ:
This is a long document but it is FULL of information and links you can use, so read through it at least once if you want to be a productive, helpful, healing member of the group.

This group is based upon the books: Getting Past Your Breakup, Getting Back Out There, and the Getting Past Your Past Workbook. GPYB was written after the first 2 years of success of the GPYB blog. The book has been on the Amazon best seller list for OVER 7 years and was voted 2009 Breakup Book of the Year by About.com and appears on several “Best Breakup Books”  For a partial list of some of the lists this book exists on please go HERE

If you don’t want to read or you want more definition, watch the GPYB/GBOT/GPYP videos on YouTube. You can go to the YouTube channel at http://www.YouTube.com/user/GettingPastYourPast

You can read GPYB/GBOT Psychology Today articles by going to the Psychology Today page which is:

http://gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/gpyb-psychology-today-articles/

PLEASE spend a few hours reading POSTS before you post anything. If you are new to the group, we want to welcome you but you have to show you a) read the guidelines and b) read several posts. Yes, we know you are hurting and yes we know you might want to jump in and introduce yourself and your situation, but honestly, the people who take the time to read the guidelines and some posts do the BEST.

The GPYB blog has existed for over 10 years. In the past few years commenting has gone down due to registration issues with Word Press and Host Gator.  After trying for several months and hundreds of dollars to try to rectify it, I (Susan) decided to move the support group over to Facebook.

The blog community was supportive, understanding, loving and yet did not enable…tough love came through.

I would like this group to mirror the wonderful community the blog was for years. If you were a member of the blog and didn’t use FB (many gave it up to do NC) please email me and I will approve you. To keep the group safe we do not, as a rule, approve people who have just joined FB and have no friends. That could be a fake account, but if you were a blog member and are joining FB just to be in the group, email me.

GPYB/GBOT/GPYP is a PROGRAM. It is the most successful program for getting over breakups. It works if you work it. It is not about learning to be friends with your ex. It is not about asking your ex for closure. It is not about reconciliation. There is a CLEAR ROADMAP IN THE BOOKS and the workbook as to what the program is.

If you are looking for a general breakup support group, this is not it.

The group exists for readers of the books who are applying the program to their own lives and have questions about their own personal situations. It’s NOT a general support group. It’s not about outside opinions, viewpoints or experiences.

This group exists for you to apply the philosophy in the books to your own situation.  It exists to ask questions about doing the program. It exists so that those who are doing the program and hurting over a breakup can help each other. It is how to apply the program to your particular situation. It’s about how the group members can best use the books’ advice to apply to a situation they are struggling with and to find others who are dealing with NC and thorny exes.

It IS a support group and not to promote the books but the philosophy and work in the books and workbook helps you move on and is key and the core of the group. GPYB is on many BEST BREAKUP BOOKS OF ALL TIME (including Yahoo! Huffington Post, Marie Claire, Yahoo Shine, DivorceCentral.) It is a PROGRAM and it WORKS IF YOU WORK IT. Please do not offer advice that is contrary to the program. Yes, it’s structured, yes some things are black and white but IT WORKS. It’s THE most successful program for getting past a breakup. It’s NO NONSENSE.

If you’re a sensitive apple blossom, this may not be the place for you. The program is not for everyone. Just those getting serious about getting healthy and leaving an ungrateful, unloving bananahead behind. If you want to know what we are about, PLEASE READ the philosophy in this post

This group is about grieving this relationship while being good to you, learning what you need to know, learning what healthy love is all about and the moving.

It is important to know what the messages of the book are not only for your process but in supporting others. If you don’t already have them, you can order the books and workbook.

If you want to contact me, please use the Contact link on Psychology Today or email gpyb.com AT gmail.com

There are hundreds of members of this group and, though I’d like to, I can’t accept FB friend requests.
If the books have helped you, please do us a favor and write a review on Amazon, B&N or wherever you bought the book. If you bought it at a brick and mortar store, you can review on Amazon. Thank you!!!!

We don’t ask for a lot, but we do ask for a few guidelines to keep everyone safe and that the group atmosphere is one of support and caring. Even the tough love – which can sound harsh – is from a place of concern. Please read and adhere to the guidelines and thank you for being here!

Each of these guidelines are based on things that happened in the group in the very early (first 4 months) of the FB group.  So please please please read them and adhere to them.  THANK YOU and here’s to your healing!!!!

Without further ado, the guidelines for the group are:

  1. Please do not post any articles, videos, suggestions for books, to the group that are opposite of the GPYB/GBOT/GPYP philosophy (i.e. getting back your ex). SPAM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AT ALL OR FOR ANY REASON and you will be immediately banned. Please see the file or click the link for “GPYB Recommends…” for suggested books, articles, authors etc. If you want to recommend a book, please check if it is in the bibliography of the books (both GPYB and GBOT have extensive bibliographies) or on the list of GPYB Recommends.Also, if you post an article and then the author includes a “program” or some other thing for sale, it is not allowed…it is considered spamming, even if it’s a helpful article.
  2. If a post, an article, a website, a book etc is NOT in the bibliography or on the list of GPYB Recommends, please DM the ADMIN of the group and ask about the author or the book or whatever resource it is. If you post something that we are not familiar with and didn’t ask OR it leads you to something to purchase, we will delete the post. So please don’t ask where it went.
  3. Everyone is entitled to private message another member. I understand I have no control over that. You may form friendships. There were many many many friendships formed IRL from the blog and my seminars – and people who formed a bond on the blog and then met IRL in person either at a workshop or on their own. As I write about in GBOT in Annie’s story, she invited 2 blog members to her wedding. They had become friends on the blog, two of them met at a workshop, the 3 of them became best buds. She came to GPYB after a breakup, they helped her through, she met her husband (okay the story is in GBOT, read it! 🙂 ) These friendships happen and, for the most part, can be special. I do know of one that blew up because one person “played” at recovery and the other figured that out later rather than sooner. Anyway, that’s any group…
    If someone requests private messaging or email addresses, it’s up to you to give it or not. If you’re unsure who this person is, if they’ve been here a while and post, let one of us know and we will give you our opinion (troll, stalker or just a nice person).
  4. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT “hit” on someone in comments. I would prefer you don’t do it at all without knowing the person, but FFS, PLEASE don’t do it in the group. If someone does it to you PRIVATELY and you’re uncomfortable, let us know…send me whatever they sent you and we’ll handle it. If any member of the group harasses you or annoys you privately, please let us know. We do not prohibit private relationships or friendships (of course!) but if a member of the group is privately spamming, harassing or annoying, please let us know and he or she will be removed. And sometimes “I think you’re beautiful” can be unwelcome and make someone uncomfortable. This is someone coming out of a relationship.  Get to know them before making any remark easily taken out of context.
  5. Please try to avoid text speak (try to type out “you” and because etc) and avoid profanity as much as you can. We know this can be hard when you’re emotional but it helps create a nice space for everyone.Please keep a civil atmosphere. We can agree to disagree without being disagreeable. Personal attacks will not be tolerated. Trolling or being overly antagonistic won’t be tolerated. Being overly antagonistic or overly emotional are two ends of the spectrum…extremes do not do well here. Again, tough love and telling someone something they might not necessarily want to hear is part of the group, but being antagonistic for no reason is not. There may or may not be a warning before you are removed from the group. Many times someone’s comment will cause a lot of messages to the admins and we just delete the comment and sometimes remove and block the member.
  6. At the same time, be mindful not to start “this is a rude comment” or “this is not being sensitive” when you read comments directed at others. Please do not elect yourself arbiter of others’ comments directed at someone else. If the comments are too harsh or inappropriate, you should email one of the group mods if you feel it is against Group Guidelines or you should wait and see if the person the comments are directed at have any issues with them. Telling others how to comment is not okay in most cases. Run it past group moderators if you think something is out of line.
  7. Don’t jump in with “friendly reminders” to be gentle/sensitive/nice etc. Tell a mod if you think things are inappropriate. At the same time, please refrain from judging the group as a whole. If this is not the place for you, please leave without fanfare. Someone who elects themselves class monitor or hall monitor or cafeteria monitor is not going to have a positive experience. Try to comment to the person who posted, not to other commenters (unless it’s positive). That helps keep a nice atmosphere.
  8. If you’re going to argue with another member about anything for a prolonged time (more than 2 or 3 posts), please take it to DM. If you are not comfortable with DM, then please shut it down early. I HAVE HAD TO REMIND PEOPLE OF THIS RULE AGAIN AND AGAIN. If you are disagreeing with another member, TAKE IT TO DM especially if you are hijacking someone else’s post.
  9. If any member of the group harasses you or annoys you privately, please let us know. We do not prohibit private relationships or friendships (of course!) but if a member of the group is privately spamming, harassing or annoying, please let us know and he or she will be removed.
  10. This is not the place for politics or religion. GPYB and GBOT are purposely apolitical and purposely non secular in order to be inclusive. This group should be the same. It is okay to talk about how your faith or involvement in a church or ministry counseling has helped you, but not in a proselytizing way. It’s okay to talk about incidents that take place in church or church-related event. That is all fine. It’s even okay to say, “I’ll pray for you.” or “If you are a religious person, maybe you should pray on it.” Also please do not assume that everyone believes in the religion/deity you believe in or that everyone believes in a deity at all.
  11. Blaming the victim will not be tolerated. Starting posts with “I don’t like x about the group” or “I don’t like the posts I’ve read lately about….” will most likely bring about a very contentious thread and there are other ways to express things like that. Please don’t take the entire group to task. If you don’t like a tone or an attitude, please do not generalize or paint the entire group with a broad brush. If it is TRULY the whole group that upsets you, you don’t have to be here.
  12. VERY IMPORTANT: We are about the PROCESS of grieving a loss (or other unresolved losses as well as GPYB and GBOT and the workbook explain). We are all on a different path but we should all be dedicated to healing. There is a back and forth and sometimes complete recycling but we should be DOING THE WORK. We can vent, cry, get angry etc., but please share your process with the group as well. If you are stuck, we will nudge you. If you need help, let us know. If you seem to be in one place or in a self-destructive cycle, you may hear some tough love from the group. If you are someone who feels you need to give tough love, try to be as helpful as you can.
  13. Gender bashing or posting with “baiting” or antagonistic subject will not be tolerated. This group is about healing. We are here to help, to support and to occasionally “tough love” someone who is veering off into unhealthy behaviors – we are not here to enable but we are not here to antagonize either. Please do NOT generalize…do not say “Women are like that… ” or “It’s a guy thing…” Even if true, we want to avoid those kinds of stereotypes and generalizations.Note: misogyny doesn’t fall into this category as it is something that both men and women can be guilty of (hatred of women) and we do want to call out misogyny.
  14. If your ex is in the group and was here first, we kindly ask that you leave the group. Following an ex to this group for the purpose of following someone who is NC will not be tolerated. If you want to post and your ex (who you didn’t know was here) responds, please let us know. If you are posting personal information, please check the membership to be sure your ex isn’t here. If your ex is, we can check the membership dates and remove the person who came second. This is especially true if you are trying to practice NC and/or your ex is harassing you. Please let us know. This MUST be a safe space for you!
  15. If you’re unsure about something/someone/posting etc., please message Susan or co-mods.If you ever have an issue with posting something because it’s embarrassing, you are free to email me (Susan) but I will either answer in discussion in the group and not in private email or maybe even write a blog post with your question included (but all identifying information removed). Just be sure to write: okay to post on the group with identifying information removed at the beginning.
  16. Between the GPYB group, the GPYB page, PT and YouTube, I get a TON of emails. I can’t answer them. Please follow the instructions in 12 if you’re not comfortable posting something. Sometimes I don’t get to answer for a few days and occasionally a few weeks. If you want to have an individual, private reply you can go to the GPYB blog and schedule email counseling on the www.GettingPastYourBreakup.com page
  17. Finally, if you decide to leave please don’t announce it to everyone and then days later decide you want to come back. Many members of the group have had more than enough experience with yo-yo-ing exes and don’t need yo-yo-ing group members making huge proclamations and then returning days later. If you decide to leave, please do so and please don’t request to come back days later. If you need a break, take one. If you’re leaving, leave. If you’re staying stay. Pick one

DISCLAIMER: THERAPY RELATIONSHIP and CO-MODS

The author of the books and workbook, Susan Elliott, is the admin of the group. She is also a therapist and an attorney, but she is not your therapist or attorney. There does not exist a therapist/client relationship or an attorney/client relationship just by virtue of belonging to this group. We have to say that for legalities. Susan J. Elliott is not your therapist or your lawyer but she will share my experience and thoughts when I can.

T & B are co-mods because I am not available during the work week workday. T was asked to be co-mod when I went back to work full-time during the day. They have both read the books and understand the philosophy and they work the program. Neither B nor T is a therapist but moderators of the group to monitor for spam, harassment and people posting things that are not in keeping with the goals of the group…that’s IT.

They were chosen for specific reasons. They are not therapists and their “advice” or feedback on your post carries no special meaning other than they understand GPYB and GBOT and may gently remind you that we are here to learn and understand the books and the program and help promote your healing.