After GPYB was obviously a “hit,” my editor who originally bought the book and believed in me so much had asked for a second book. I wanted GPYB 2. I wanted it to parallel the “Reject the Rejecter” (When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You) pREAD THAT POST HERE that was posted here for many years and is now on Psychology Today where it was in the TOP FIVE of all posts on PT for almost SIX MONTHS and has almost 2 million views (all of this is unheard of with PT posts). Analytics from PT, YouTube and the GPYB blog indicate that 34 percent of the readers and viewers are men, which is much higher than most self-help articles. Every single reader I have ever spoken to has asked me for a book length discussion of “other” topics not covered in GPYB.
So, I wanted to deliver the second part of GPYB. It was my intention from the beginning of writing GPYB! When I wrote GPYB I had more than enough information for THREE books but the second one being a continuation of GPYB.
In my mind, the second book would address three areas that GPYB does not: 1) the circumstances surrounding the breakup or the reality that the relationship is not going to materialize (for those experiencing unrequited love–as in when the person you love…); 2) the complicating factors and possible psychopathologies of both parties including attachment disorders and personality disorders; 3) it would expound upon GPYB’s “self-care” techniques like positive thinking, visualization, meditation and other techniques such as the law of attraction.
GPYB dictates that the reader not focus on the ex. However, a sudden breakup or the realization that your love interest doesn’t share your passion can trigger a skewed view of both the rejecter and the relationship. Many times the rejected person is awash in warm, wonderful memories with a near-perfect person who loved them very much or is the perfect fit for the perfect union. At the same time, they ignore or minimize the rejecter’s possible issues and the painful characteristics of the relationship.
Therefore, the crux of the difference between the books would be that the new book would discuss how to break the spell of the “fantasy” unrequited love interest, as well as various breakup scenarios (including being left for the “other” woman or man, “ghosting” and breaking up via text not discussed in GPYB). It will also educate the reader about the conceivable profiles of the rejecter from the benign (“let’s be just friends”) to the disturbing (sociopathic).
The second book would provide an in-depth study of human behavior in a difficult situation and, as such, would not be a direct competitor of GPYB. Instead, it would nicely supplement general breakup advice for those most likely to buy self-help books: people in excruciating emotional pain after being blind-sided by rejection…people who have attachment/abandonment issues…two important things I wanted to address in GPYB but it would have mucked it up.
It would deal directly with the rejecter’s issues in a simple yet thorough way. Many readers are involved with partners with disturbed profiles, and while there are many resources for those involved with sociopaths, narcissists, and abusers, there are no books that offer an all-encompassing method for dealing with all the different disorders. TO ME, the world NEEDS this book and TO ME the world needed this book more than it needed GBOT.
Right after I submitted the GPYB manuscript my husband was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer (within weeks) and passed a couple of months after it was published.
My publisher asked me to follow up with a dating book. I was NOT on board. I had just lost my husband, the love of my life. I did NOT want to write a dating book. I had to dip deep in my well to write this book.
Anyone who has read GBOT knows that it was one of the things that happened during the writing of GBOT. I had the broken hand that wouldn’t heal etc etc etc. It was a horrible challenge. My agent badgered me to sign the contract so she could retire. I did and she did.
My editor left Perseus but I wanted to give them the book they wanted and the “carrot” was that I would be able to write the book I wanted to write (the untitled GPYB2 as described above). So I sat down and as emotionally wrenching as it was, and as physically challenging as it was, I wrote it.
I DID NOT let them cast my broken hand so that I could write this book!!! How insane is that? I was afraid they would cancel it and then never publish GPYB2.
There were ups and downs, mostly downs, while it was being written. They wanted me to rehash the inventories and I didn’t want to. I felt as if my loyal readers would feel ripped off if I wasted space in the new book with stuff from the old book. No, they INSISTED ON IT. So I did it. I wanted to include a chapter of how women need to understand biological differences between men and women to be more successful in relationships. They axed that chapter.
GBOT is a great book and it has gotten great reviews but it’s not the book I wanted to write. It’s the book my publisher wanted me to write. I did a great job under great emotional and physical strain.
I make 7.5 percent on each book. That is not a lot. I have made a lot of money for Perseus. And my original contract had a lesser amount for electronic versions because there was NO standard in publishing when I signed the GPYB contract. So upon the publication of the 2nd book, my electronic royalties would rise to the level of industry standard. But not before. So it was in my best interest to get it published. But it was HARD and the delays were not in my best interest.
I am not getting rich on these books. AT ALL. But if you spoke to Perseus, you would think they were parting with gold. I make 7.5 percent on each book and then give 15 percent of THAT to my agent. They get 92.5 percent of the profits. You would think that they would have more vested in GBOT. But they were not.
There was the awful editing job by the fine Perseus folks in Denver. They not only did a terrible editing job but they lost my edits that were corrections of their awful edits.
In the middle of MOVING my house, I sat with the manuscript and RE-DID the edits because, of course, when you’re MOVING you want to be editing an entire book. But they MOVED the publication date already due to their screw-ups and I didn’t want it moved again. Despite my efforts, they moved the date when THEY lost the edits.
I not only edited the book in the middle of a horrible MOVE but imagine my horror when the book came out and it still had typos in it (nice job Perseus! Glad I didn’t sleep that weekend!) Without an agent I was out there on my own with this sloppy ass publisher.
Perseus publicity did a terrible job pushing GBOT. I had been approached for TV when GPYB came out but because I had never been on TV the spots were tough. I hired my own publicist and managed several television appearances. When GBOT came out, the fact that I had been on national TV and international radio should have been a boon for the book but Perseus publicity did nothing with it. WGN in Chicago contacted me directly for a radio interview. They are a superstation yet no one had sent them a book. When I received that call I knew Perseus wasn’t doing much for the book.
Then I submitted the workbook to them and they took FOREVER to get back to me. They were basically checking it to see if they wanted to keep me from publishing it on my own. They didn’t. They didn’t keep me from publishing it on my own but they were so discourteous in not even telling me. I have had great feedback on the workbook. So many readers tell me that it’s a great book but Perseus wasn’t interested so I “published” it myself.
I submitted a GPYB Day at a Time Daily Meditation book. They had discussed this with me a few times. Another “carrot.” Again they didn’t get back to me and had no interest in publishing it.
I put the proposal together for GPYB2. The book I wanted to write and the book they had promised I could write. They made an offer on the book. It was a dismal offer.
I said WTF (in a nice, professional way) and they said it was because GBOT did not perform as well as GPYB. I said, THIS IS THE BOOK YOU WANTED. Wait, I wrote the book you wanted. The book has gotten amazing reviews. Yet, because people who are going back to the dating world are not as quick to buy books about it as people who are in pain are, you’re going to punish ME for it? I didn’t want to write this book. This was your baby. I was just driving the bus.
So I was going to be penalized by my publisher for writing the book they wanted me to write. The offer for GPYB2 or “Reject the Rejecter” was so low based on GBOT sales. The book I wrote and was dedicated to GPYB continues to sell well but they wanted to penalize me for sales from the book they wanted.
I turned down their offer. I spoke to a few agents to submit it to a few new publishers. My new agent thought we should reapproach Perseus because now that she was on board I would have someone to run interference.
I agreed. It took me days to get back to her but finally I agreed. Okay, they have offered on the book. They know this is the book I wanted to write from right after GPYB. This has the potential to be BIGGER than GPYB as it deals with rejection, attachment issues, abandonment issues, the psychological issues of the rejecter and an updated version of social media (since it’s so much more prevalent now).
So my very sweet and nice agent approached them with a stronger proposal for the book they had offered on. They see me as spoiled angry author and decided they would not offer. I had to remind myself that Capitol Records hated Pet Sounds and Decca Records hated the Beatles. Not that I’m Brian Wilson or John Lennon, but the companies often get it wrong. So is the situation with my stupid publisher (now Hachette).
So the original book they promised me over 6 years ago will not be published by them. How awesome. I’m sure they were angry that I walked from their offer a few months ago. The “they’re not offering” explanation from my agent seemed punitive.
I don’t want people to boycott Perseus because I need my books to sell. Between the lowly percentage plus the pilfering that goes on everywhere (another thing, I police the “free downloads” of the book that seem to be everywhere – Perseus doesn’t do that even though THEY have the means and I don’t). I spend HOURS each week sending cease and desist letters to those pushing illegal downloads. It’s SO HARD to do this every week. I truly appreciate my readers who have bought and reviewed both books. Internet piracy has cost me so much $$ and I’m glad when readers help me by leaving good reviews and buying the books.
I do ask that people review both books esp GBOT and buy GBOT (GPYB sales are fine and it’s available in 7 languages). I hope I don’t sound like a snake oil sales person. Selling it and constantly asking for reviews is hard…but I appreciate your efforts…I truly do.
I am considering doing a Kickstarter campaign for the new book. This is the beginning of the proposal. I have the Introduction and the first chapter written:
Being in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same can be a devastating experience, especially if you’ve struggled with rejection before. When rejection feels more like the end of the world than a temporary heartache, it causes feelings of loss, betrayal, and a crushing hit to self-worth. For those who grapple with relationship patterns that seem to end in rejection every single time, moving on can seem daunting and, for some, almost impossible. But it’s not. Now there is a definitive guide to help you move forward. When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You: How To Reject The Rejecter and Find Your Way To Real Love explains how to move from the horror of unrequited love to the peace of mind that comes from working through it and ultimately rejecting the rejecter.
Susan J. Elliott is the author of Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You (Da Capo 2009) and Getting Back Out There: Secrets to Successful Dating and Finding Real Love after the Big Breakup, (Da Capo 2015). Both books have received outstanding media and reader reviews and have sold (combined domestically) over 60,000 copies. Getting Past Your Breakup has remained an Amazon Top 10 book in the Divorce category since its publication and is listed on multiple “best break up books of all time” lists, including the Huffington Post, Marie Claire UK, and About.com.
In December 2006 I wrote the first version of When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You on the “Getting Past Your Past” (GPYP) blog. Tough but empathetic, the post instructed how to move beyond rejection and prepare for true love with a caring person. Based on the article’s exhortation to dismiss both the rejection and the ex, readers dubbed the post, “Reject the Rejecter.”
The GPYP blog accompanied a course I taught at night and was meant only for a handful of students. But, after the post appeared, blog traffic almost immediately increased to hundreds of views from all over the country and, then, all over the world. Within the next month, the blog was averaging 1,200 views a week (powerful numbers in 2007). Most readers did not know me personally and had no idea they had stumbled upon a somewhat private blog for my students. They requested information about my seminars and, before I knew it, people were flying to New York just to take a course with me. In these weekend seminars, they clamored for “the book,” which had not been written! But the popularity of the blog, combined with my students’ enthusiasm and encouragement, led to the publication of my first book, Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened to You (GPYB).
Each year I edited and reposted “Reject the Rejecter” for the new “Getting Past Your Breakup” (GPYB) blog, and each time it received an amazing response. Readers circulated it widely, and it continued to receive more comments than any other post.
In June 2015, I wrote a new iteration of “Reject the Rejecter” for Psychology Today (PT), and the post remained in the top five spot on the front page of the popular website for over four months. To date, the PT article has received almost 2 million views, over 300 comments and, after being selected for inclusion on PT’s Facebook page, more than 3,800 Facebook likes. Additionally, the post garners email and comments from the groups usually left out of self-help literature: heterosexual men and gay and lesbian readers. Analytics from PT, YouTube and the GPYB blog indicate that 34 percent of the readers and viewers are men, which is much higher than most self-help articles.
“Reject the Rejecter” clearly hits a nerve. Readers readily share their stories in comments and private email. The majority of readers gratefully credit the post with helping them move on. The comments also include many questions such as: Why did I have such a severe reaction to this? What is the problem? How did I not see this coming? Why does this hurt so badly? How do I move on? How can I regain my sense of self-worth? Why does this always happen to me?
When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will answer these and many other questions. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You is not a rehashing of GPYB, which is a universal breakup book for all who end or have had a relationship end. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You focuses on the experience of being rejected, whether it’s in a long-term relationship, a newer relationship, when you suddenly fall in love with your best friend, or when you’ve simply crushed on someone for years and cannot seem to desire anyone else.
Many readers have been unceremoniously “dumped” by someone they are truly besotted with. Many readers suffer from unrequited love. These readers have a much harder time letting go, and When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You speaks specifically to the person rejected and why that struggle exists.
When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You addresses three areas that GPYB does not: 1) the circumstances surrounding the breakup or the reality that the relationship is not going to materialize; 2) the complicating factors and possible psychopathologies of both parties; and 3) the expanded role of social media in today’s breakups.
GPYB dictates that the reader not focus on the ex. However, a sudden breakup or the realization that your love interest doesn’t share your passion can trigger a skewed view of both the rejecter and the relationship. Many times the rejected person is awash in warm, wonderful memories with a near-perfect person who loved them very much or is the perfect fit for the perfect union. At the same time, they ignore or minimize the rejecter’s possible issues and the painful characteristics of the relationship. Therefore, the crux of the difference between the books is that When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will discuss how to break the spell of the “fantasy” unrequited love interest, and it will discuss various breakup scenarios (including being left for the “other” woman or man, “ghosting” and breaking up via text not discussed in GPYB). It will also educate the reader about the conceivable profiles of the rejecter from the benign (“let’s be just friends”) to the disturbing (sociopathic).
When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You provides an in-depth study of human behavior in a difficult situation and, as such, it is not a direct competitor of GPYB. Instead, it nicely supplements general breakup advice for those most likely to buy self-help books: people in excruciating emotional pain after being blind-sided by rejection.
When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You, will deal directly with the rejecter’s issues in a simple yet thorough way. Many readers are involved with partners with disturbed profiles, and while there are many resources for those involved with sociopaths, narcissists, and abusers, there are no books that offer an all-encompassing method for dealing with all the different disorders. For nine years, the GPYB blog has linked to websites and referred to books that cover the varied personality disorders, and has accumulated a long history of reader feedback about these publications, which will be used to construct the Rejecter section of When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You.
The last distinction between When The Person You Love and GPYB, the role of social media, is a very important one. GPYB touched very lightly on the subject because cyber ploys were not as common in 2009 as they are today. Often a rejected person will engage in social media games designed to win the rejecter back. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will discuss the pitfalls of virtually following your ex, creating fake social media profiles, and “accidentally” texting them to induce jealousy. A person can become so wrapped up in digital espionage that they lose sight of everything else. Social media issues are much more common among those suddenly rejected, can be a significant roadblock to healing and, as such, warrants an in-depth discussion.
When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You then turns the attention back to the reader to help identify and address their issues. It discusses why some people have a much harder time dealing with the sudden end of a relationship than others. Contributing factors can be fear of abandonment, anxious attachment disorder, or unresolved early life losses. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You expounds upon the GPYB construct that “water seeks its own level” while giving the reader a fair view of their “water level” and how it meshed with the rejecter’s. With a new awareness and understanding of their patterns and tendencies, When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You propels the reader forward. The reader uses this new insight and clarity to not only heal from the breakup, but to “level up” for more satisfying relationships in the future.
When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will be divided into two sections: Part One will deal with the rejection and Part Two will instruct, empower, and encourage the reader to build a life that will be able to welcome true, reciprocal love in the future. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You also expands upon techniques to bring the reader’s life into balance such as meditation, visualization, mindfulness and goal setting.
In addition to including reader and client stories, When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will be gender, sexual orientation, and length of relationship neutral for the most part. The book benefits not only from my personal and professional experience, but also from the comments and input of GPYB and PT readers every time I’ve run the article, as well as comments by YouTubers. This organic audience has allowed me to conduct research and truly understand what the audience wants from my next book.
Although When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will be differentiated from GBYB, they are alike in one important aspect: as GPYB’s popularity was foreshadowed by the number of readers clamoring for its publication, readers continually ask for a book-length version of the “Reject the Rejecter” post. This is evidence that When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You can be as popular as GPYB; perhaps even more so. Each book can have its own place on the list of self-help classics, and When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You has GPYB’s substantial coattails to ride.
Book Table of Contents
Part One: The Rejection
Introduction: When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You
Chapter One: When Water Levels Turn To Ice
Chapter Two: When Someone Tells You Who They Are, Believe Them
Chapter Three: When You’re Obsessed
Chapter Four: When Your Past Explains Your Present
Chapter Five: When You’re Stunned By Grief
Part Two: Rejecting the Rejecter
Chapter Six: When It’s Time to Level Up
Chapter Seven: When It’s Time To Take Care of You
Chapter Eight: When It’s Time to Let Go and Reject the Rejecter
Bibliography and Resources
Introduction: When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You
The Introduction will provide a road map for healing and detail the path from the devastation of rejection to the ultimate triumph of winning back self-esteem, planning a rich and wonderful life, and rejecting the rejecter.
Part One: The Devastation of Rejection
Chapter One: When Water Turns To Ice
The first chapter is an overview that explores various unrequited love situations as well as sudden rejection scenarios and how each can trigger a desperate and intense grief reaction in the person rejected. It acknowledges the rejected person’s suffering and how rejection can make someone feel worthless, angry, hurt, guilty, overwhelmed and regretful. It discusses the tendency to dwell in “if only” fantasies and belabor the “whys” of the situation. It investigates the flair for drama and ploys for attention. It introduces the construct that “water seeks its own level” and sets up the reader to understand the topics in the rest of the book.
Chapter Two: When Someone Tells You Who They Are, Believe Them.
This chapter concentrates on the actions and possible issues of the rejecter. It can be something as benign as the wrong relationship at the wrong time to something more ominous such as being a sociopath or narcissist. The rejected person usually spends a long time splitting” the rejecter into good (the person they fell in love with) and bad (the person rejecting them.) This chapter ends by introducing the need to let go of obsessive questioning.
Chapter Three: When You’re Obsessed
Beginning where Chapter Two ends, this chapter examines the way sudden rejection can lead to obsessive questioning and trigger the “searching” component of grief. The chapter discusses finding ways and constructing reasons for contact such as fabricated emergencies or “chance” meetings. Because social media is so convenient, the reader may find new and subtle ways to stalk an ex, including creating fake personas and sending “accidental” texts. The chapter ends with a brief discussion of possible personal consequences and legal ramifications of going to extremes on social media and how to behave more responsibly.
Chapter Four: When Your Past Explains Your Present
This chapter highlights the possible personal and historical issues of the reader who feels rejected, victimized, and abandoned. The reader may suffer from low self-esteem, insecurity, anxious attachment disorder, abandonment, or “adult child” issues. Low self-worth may have caused a pattern of “settling for less.” There may be a history of infidelity, abuse and codependency in the relationship. The chapter discusses the various profiles of those who partner with those who ultimately reject them and how to change that profile. It introduces the idea of examining and learning from this and other losses and betrayals.
Chapter Five: When You’re Stunned By Grief
This chapter details the emotions of grief with special attention to the devastation of sudden rejection, possibly complicated by the unemotional response or swift moving on of the rejecter. Chapter Five includes detailed discussion to help the reader work through the grief process, including “recycling” which is when healing begins and then suddenly stops. This chapter also addresses random communication to or from the ex and how it impedes progress.
Part Two: Rejecting The Rejecter
Chapter Six: When It’s Time To “Level Up”
This chapter addresses what is necessary to change the “water level” and move on. The first order of business is uncovering historical issues and resolving to recover. The second is to surrender the idea that you must have closure and answers to questions that do not matter. The third is a cognitive and affirmative pledge to decide, once and for all, it’s time to move on.
Chapter Seven: When It’s Time To Take Care of You
This chapter explains the concept, “To find the right person, be the right person.” It teaches how to develop high self-esteem and how to avoid “rejecter” types in the future. This chapter details techniques to center the reader and curb obsessive thoughts such as meditation, visualization, mindfulness and goal setting.
Chapter Eight: When It’s Time To Let Go and Reject The Rejecter
This chapter instructs the reader to learn from their relationship history by developing new standards, limits and boundaries. It explains what a healthy relationship looks like. It shows the reader how to move on while learning the lessons of the past. The ultimate goal of the reader is achieved: rejecting the rejecter!
Will include an extensive bibliography and resources.