2/26 Check in Post

How is everyone doing? Please check in!

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63 Responses to 2/26 Check in Post

  1. sophia says:

    – i finished gpyb and then, wwl2m and codependent no more
    – now reading the new codependency (just finished the half), and bought get back out there
    – i am journaling
    – started daily exercises at home (re-listening your videos while jumping on a trampholin)
    – started to drive again (i was not able to because, that BH made me believe that i was not good at driving (that he is a super driver and i am nothing). I was always having anxiety while driving. I told to myself that, no! I will drive, and i will obey the rules and if something happens i surrender to my Creator’s decision. I feel SO much better while i am driving, and it does not feel like a torture. I am grateful.
    – i went to the places where we used to go together, and where i was so scared to be at after he broke up with me. We were together for 7 years, it ended 9 months ago. But i could not dare to go to any place that i used to go because i am so scared to see him, and see him together with his new gf. Since he is working, i went to some of the places during work hours. I journaled. Cried so much. Came back home. I felt so exhausted. But i did.
    – 2 days ago, again during the work hours, i went to a starbucks which i used to go so often and which is very close his house. We used to meet there so much. I was dying. Seriously, pain was killing me while i was there. I journaled journaled journaled. Cried cried cried. Then i decided to come back home. While driving, i passed by his house. I looked for his car (while i was still driving) at his open park area, i could not see it. It made me feel so worse; i could not help myself think where he was (he was at work and normal that the car was not there). And cried so much more. And then came home. And calmed myself by saying that it does not matter. And i wrote to my Creator that i cannot overcome this pain, thus i surrender. It made me feel better.
    – yesterday, this time i had to pass by his house again (not that i planned or intented to do it), it was sunday very early morning, while driving i again tried to see his car, i slowed down my car, no, his car was not there. I cried so much, thinking that he might be at his gf’s house and stayed over the might, maybe he is at an early breakfast with her (he hates waking up early but yes maybe he loves so much so he does it), maybe he is at a vacation. And then i thought, maybe he changed his car; or he moved his house. Then i bursed into more tears, thinking that i now dont know his car and where his new house was. I cried so much. Felt so pissed off.
    – i was having so much pain, so i prayed, journaled. And slept. My dream was full of a bunch of girls, who were one by one telling me that he had an affair with them. I was crying during my dream. And when i woke up, i felt so bad but again thankful that it was a dream.
    – i am trying to be hopeful. Actually, i am grateful that he broke up with me so that i went into this process, found you and read other books as well so that i am understanding myself. and i know that if we had married, i would have been worse. And i told myself that i will be alone in my whole life rather than torture myself with attaching to someone who behaves badly to me. But again, i still cannot forgive him, still cannot go out of the grey bubble surrender by him, still cannot go off the torturing thinking that he has a new gf, he has a new life, he most likely cheated on me while torturing me and blaming me, i was behaving like an irritating woman by yelling/crying/pushing/blackmailing/hitting in order to understand his “NON-understanding behaviors” of not telling me a wedding date while we were engaed for 2 years, have been together for 7 years, etc. I think i cannot forgive myself either. I am reading the books, and i understood how a BIG codependent i was. I tried to rescue him by spending all my energy and life; thinking i will be loved, thinking i will be special so special that i will not be abondoned, i pittied him so he might have pittied me. But now he is more handsome (i bought him clothes, changed his styling), he became rich (when we started dated he was a fresh college, now he is making good money), i taught him how to behave a girl (taking to places, buying gifts), i taught him all the good places (so he can now take his new gf). And he left me. And he did not marry me. Now he has all these together with a new gf. I am not saying this is not fair. I am grateful that he did not marry me, because i dont want to get hurt anymore. But i still feel myself so unvaluable and so unloveable and i feel him so happy. I feel like he is everywhere i go, he is so powerful, he can still downgrade me, him and his friends are maybe pitying me.

    I will not stop. I will continue journaling. Exercising. Will finish the books. Do the inventories a bit later when i feel it. Will start affirmations as well. I am working on this. But really sometimes i feel so tiny, so small, and feel him so big. And i am scared that he will press me again. I am just so scared of his happiness his strength. It has been 9 months but the pain still feel so close.

    • sophia says:

      one question, do you think i should go to the places that i spent so much time with him and to the places he could be there? I am asking this because for the last 9 months i am avoiding it intentially because i feel so powerless to do it. I cannot stand seeing him, and i cannot stand seeing him with his new gf. But this fear became so dominant that i am even scared to go any place after work hours or even during work hours (he might take a day off and i can run into him/them). Do you think i should FACE this? Because seeing him and seeing them and continue living afterwards is like a standing rock in myl life. Like i dont know what will happen afterwards. (Only hearing that my friend saw him having dinner with a girl at a place we went so often and understanding that he has a gf, made me cry for nearly 3 months and still affecting me severely). For example, do you suggest that i go to a place that i know he could most likely be there and face this reality? I dont want to talk to him or so. I dont want to make a contact. I am just asking this from the point of my healing, if this would be any kind of help. What do you think?

      • Susan J. Elliott says:

        You don’t sound like you are ready for this. Please stop going to places where he might be and stop driving past his house, etc. You need to take care of you and this isn’t it. You are still healing!

        • sophia says:

          dear susan, ok, i will do as you suggested. I will stop doing it. I also wrote below, people are telling tme that if i avoid facing him and places and memories, i am just exaggrating. That is why i tried. And it felt so bad.
          I want to heal myself. I want to feel good. And i will do anything that is required. Many thanks for your response.

    • topf says:

      Dear sophia, I agree with the others. You are not ready to do that yet. I really hope my comments in the other post didn’t fuel this feeling in you to go there before you’re ready. I am sorry if I contributed to pushing you in the wrong direction.

      With healing, it’s important to be attentive to your needs. Something that might contribute to healing in a certain stage of your process, might be very counterproductive in a different stage. It’s ok to dip your toes in certain things and see how you feel, but you need to pay attention to what things feel like and if they’re really doing you any good. Being brave and going there would have been ok if it hadn’t triggered you into driving by the ex’s house and obsessing about where he might be. You didn’t go there to reconquer those places. You went there to feed the bad voices in your head making you believe you are worthless.

      Before you do any challenging things, before you reconquer spaces, you need to do some ground work. You need to find a way to love yourself again. I don’t think you can do anything else before you get certain levels of self-esteem back. Your calibrator for what’s healthy and what’s not won’t work well until you do that work. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed. Time alone is not a measure of anything. Don’t let anyone tell you anything like that.

      Try to regroup a little and start over. Try to ignore the fact that for a while, you won’t be able to go to those places. Find new beautiful places where you feel safe and that are free of memories with him. Exploring and discovering places will help you heal. And let your own body and mind be the only measure of your healing. What they tell you they need is all that matters.

        • sophia says:

          Dear topf, many thanks for your response. Any feedback and advise during this process is so much valuable to me. As i am trying to find my way. I am reading everything in here, and trying to do suggestions that i can do. But yes, all of you are right. I am probably not at that stage yet. Because going those places triggered all the pain in me. And what you have written “you went there to feed the bad voices in your head making you feel worthless”; i cannot think of any other explanation of what was in me that better. It was exactly and exactly that! Since i have gone, the “worthless” feeling is hitting me so much.
          I want to be good for myself. I want to surrender. And i want to heal. I will do my best. Please lets keep in touch. Thanks for the youtube video as well 🙂

  2. jazzcanary says:


    I only have time to write something short. Stop going to places that remind you of him and the relationship and stop driving by his house. Repeated exposure is not helping. You’re grieving, and I bet you are grieving other losses besides this one, which is why it feels so big. I know when things and people feel “big” to me, there is a connection to my childhood, which is when I was powerless over what happened to me. Keep doing all the good things and work on the grief, and when you’re ready, the Life Inventory may give you more insights about prior losses. It may be a long time until you can go to those old places and feel indifferent. That is okay. Until then, avoid them and build new memories in new places. Hugs to you.

    • sophia says:

      dear jazzcanary, many thanks for your response. it means so much to me as most of the time i dont know what to do. actually, i also did not want to go to those places; i intentially avoided it. But people keep telling me that if i avoid facing him, if i avoid going to those places i cannot grow and i cannot overcome. People believe that i am exaggrating this break up process by escaping to face him, the old places. And they told me that if i start going and facing; it will come indifferent at some point. That is why in order to heal myself i tried to do it. And it felt so bad! I feel really bad. I know that this is not the only problem of mine, this break up only lifted the carpet and i see so many dusts. I already see so much connection with my past break ups, my childhood. I am journaling. And will start doing the inventories soon. Many thanks again. I will do as you and susan said. I will not go those places until i feel indifferent. The time is also sounding so scary; it is so much pressuring. When i say/write that it has been 9 months; and seeing that i am still having pain, i feel so scared that i am losing the time and i will never be able to move on.
      Lets keep in touch. Loads of love and hugs to you!

  3. lostsoul87 says:

    Trying hard to forget him, and can’t! He takes up unwanted space in my mind. I’ve tried dating, have a man in my life but feel like breaking it off because I don’t think I’m ready. I think I’m ready to be alone. It’s bizarre.
    My ex is still determined we will be friends in time, he’s planned to contact me end of March to let me know where he stands at that point in time regarding a friendship. It weighs heavily on my mind. I just keep focusing on the end of March even though I try my absolute hardest not too! What is he doing? Why is he doing this? Surely friendship should be pretty cut and dry? I feel lost.

    • Susan J. Elliott says:

      You need to let go and not be friends with him. Friendship with an ex is never cut and dried and you can’t let him decide FOR you. Have you seen my YouTube video on this?

      Friends With The Ex

      And the Psychology Today article I wrote HERE

    • jazzcanary says:

      Oh, so HE is going to let YOU know where he STANDS? And he’s decided when that’s going to happen, and he’s “determined” you two will be friends in time? This sounds like someone trying to 1) keep you on the line just in case, and 2) control your feelings. He’s doing this because he’s being selfish.

    • topf says:

      I agree with Susan. You need to go no contact. In your case, a lot of exes soothe their feelings of guilt by telling themselves and their ex that they can be friends (believe me, I have ben on both sides of this, and we see it here on the blog all the time). This is not about you, this is not about how much of a keeper you are. If your ex had thought that, you wouldn’t be here. This is about them and how they’re doing stuff to feel better about themselves. Understand that, accept that, and start doing what you need to feel better, which in this case it’s going no contact so you can heal.

      • lostsoul87 says:

        Okay thank you, I am no contact and feel like I’ve been going through this ‘wait’ with him for nearly 6 months now. The constant anxiety is killing me slowly I’d say and I don’t know what to do to cut it all off. It’s like I’m hooked. It makes me so sad to get through it but so anxious and sad to be without him. But I am no contact none the less. But this wait is awful. Help.

  4. topf says:

    My body has been running amok on me. Since December, I had the flu 5 times. I didn’t think much of it because well, breakups are stressful, and the flu is not that bad. But then 2 weeks ago I got a UTI that doesn’t wanna leave. Then on Sunday I had a panic attack. I have never in my life gotten either a UTI not a panic attack. I was watching a movie and suddenly I started to cough. After like an hour the cough turned into me not being able to breathe. This went on for hours. I thought I caught pneumonia. I sounded like a water boiler with every breath I took. Eventually, I fell asleep. The next day everything was fine. As if nothing had happened (except of course that I was shocked and confused). No fever, no pain, no nothing.

    I used to have stellar health. I know breakups are stressful but this is just too much. It feels as if my body were trying to tell me something URGENT. Am I missing something? Or is this normal and I shouldn’t obsess too much about it?

    I am going away for 3 weeks. I have been looking forward to this trip because being somewhere else has helped me in the past. For some reason I am nervous and feel small and scared. I don’t know if my symptoms are also related to this trip, to traveling alone (even though something like that hasn’t been a problem before).

    Emotionally, I feel as if the ex were not much of an issue anymore. My body seems to think differently. I kinda feel as if there’s stuff here I can’t process consciously and so my body has taken over to process things unconsciously.

    Any ideas on what is going on? It’s scary for me how my body is doing all this stuff =(

    • sophia says:

      I had couple of health issues: acne, my period cycle stopped, i had some blood problems as well. But these were all when i was emotionally down as well. and doctors told me that i had all these because of big stress, sadnaess and pain. And i understand that my body is reacting.
      I have not faced a similar problem like you had. but again, i wanted to write back. I love how all of us are supporting each other at here.
      I just feel that you have still somethings in side, and maybe you have pressed them somehow.
      I hope you feel better very soon.

    • livealittle says:

      Hey Topf,

      I know I’m going to sound like a broken record but have you thought about seeing your doctor? You mentioned symptoms of potential depression and now other health issues. It might be psychosomatic but it also might not be. What you describe sounds pretty awful. Sending warm thoughts and spiritual lozenges?

      • topf says:

        Hey livealittle. Don’t worry. Sounding like a broken record is ok. I went to the doc today. Got a round of antibiotics. He said the panic attack was indeed a panic attack. On Monday I have an appointment with my therapist and will talk about it. I’m trying not to panic and to accept that my body is a bit out of whack. Thanks for the good wishes <3

        • jazzcanary says:

          You could also see it as your body is communicating with you and you are doing a great job of listening to it 🙂 Please give yourself credit for taking care of yourself! Also, UTIs can wreak total havoc. Every time I’ve had one it’s triggered a depressive episode, which in turn made me run-down. The past two weeks I’ve noted several colleagues and several students have gotten very ill, and many have had relatives die. I believe February is just hard on us humans, and in New England, March can be pretty brutal, too. I truly hope your upcoming trip is a bright spot!

  5. Kristi says:

    I’m new here. Reading GPYB. Journaling, affirmations, and doing my own thing. He kept me around until he found a “honey with more money”. I have a history of picking emotionally unavailable men and am doing my work to break this cycle. The waterworks are over and I don’t want him back. Ever. I’m looking for a relationship that will grow. Not a soulmate, but a fellow traveler. Someone who wants to grow with me. I just want him out of my head. That’s my struggle right now.

  6. Coppergirl says:

    ”Twas an interesting month. After being yelled at, feeling as though I was going to be fired for speaking out at a meeting, a lockdown and building evacuation lasting for hours, to the apparent ghosting by my (seeming) boyfriend, to having not one, but two members of community pass on, and a colleague and friend seriously ill, in the ICU,it’s been a doozie and perhaps a sign that my decision to retire waaay early is a wise one. Keeping Susan’s writing on over-giving among others in mind, I decided to not text or contact bf, who’s about 2 hr away and see how long it would be before he contacts me. 2 and 1/2 weeks and probably that was because we had an event here to attend. I stated that I figured he didn’t want me around anymore and, as he doesn’t want to hear me say negative things, I thought I’d better keep my friends death and near dismissal to my own damn self. We did attend the event, spent enjoyable time together but never talked about that which needs discussion. Figured for now, til I can leave, this is as good as it’s going to get and am sticking with my plan of gradually getting rid of stuff, looking up options to teaching, trying to figure what to do with inadequate retirement but never wanting to see the inside of a classroom again. When the time comes to go, I’ll let him know and he can choose to stay or go with. Doubt if this quasi-relationship willlast that long. Also that nagging fear that given my years, my race, my enviro values, this is it; it’s alone for good after this. The options here and where I’m heading on line are horrible in my age range. I also understand from bfs perspective that after 2 1/2 years, he probably isn’t over his wife’s death, regardless of how awful being a caregiver was for him and that the marriage seemed to be pretty controlling. Those times in life when I was down or grieving, I didn’t date because I knew I was in a bad place and not emotionally available but not everyone realizes that of themselves.
    This month ended on a great and an awful note: I got to have dine with and listen to perhaps the greatest living Native activist in this country, one of my people. The awful part was that Narcboy attached himself to our party so I had the honor of hearing him flirt with our boss the entire way there and back. Coulda been a more trusting, more naive Coppergirl 5 years ago with the exception that we were both single back then and they’re both married. Jesus Christ on a Pony. He hasn’t changed, even the phrases were the same, this time right in front of students. I might as well not have been present though I was right next to them. Today, my day to have lunch with an elderly couple I adore, they show up at lunch and sit close to us. Bad for digestion. She keeps asking why I am so unhappy there; given the situation, I cannot say a word til my exit interview. Really bad people get away with really bad things, repeatedly. Another sign pointing to get away.

    • jazzcanary says:

      I’m so impressed by your strength and focus Coppergirl, and at the same time I want so much more joy for you. Narcboy’s moves sound so…well, narcisstic, so he is at least consistent and predictable. I also imagine his world is small and fairly devoid of meaning. I’m sorry to hear you don’t see any prospect for a future relationship. I live in Northern New England, and it does seem to have a lot of people who are evironmentally conscious and in the 45+ age range. I don’t fit in so well as I am too citified, but you sound like a good fit for the area. The big drawback is the economy, even for experienced profs. At any rate, let me know if you’d like more information.

      • Coppergirl says:

        Thanks. Actually have looked for jobs in Vermont, Maine. Some top environmental colleges there. New England has a forest type pretty close to “real” home, the Upper Midwest. Am great at tapping trees, cutting/hauling wood, growing food. May have to initially spend time at my home farm ’cause it’s paid for and I’ll have no income yet the economy there is in the flusheroo. Great for when I am old enough to live off my retirement savings and am indeed too old to date. New England farms are pretty affordable in some areas away from cities. though I enjoy good culture, good books, good discussion, I am definitely not a city/suburb person. Too much noise, feeling hemmed in. Yep, am sad about the whole rship thing, especially being a captive audience, forced to watch Narcboy do his thing. Sometimes angry with myself that I want a rship at all but most of us do crave human connection. Yep, I am late 50’s but a very young and active late 50’s. Not even menopausal. For a great deal of the time, at work or in the community, I am alone yet surrounded. Sad too that this mountain area is so incredibly beautiful yet the human element so despairing, damaged. Would definitely be interested i any info you have.

        • jazzcanary says:

          There are many small farms in the area, and yes, you would find it similar to the UP and the like. I’ve met so many interesting and intelligent people here, in spite of it being predominantly rural. If you want to email me, use jazzcanary66 at gee mail.

  7. jazzcanary says:

    So. Big giant step taken back. I browsed match.com and whattya’ know, my ex BH’s ad, the same ad through which I met him, was there. I really did not expect to see it. I felt the same way I did when I found out I had cancer and other times I’ve gotten horrible news. I went to a jazz jam as I had planned then met some friends afterwards and had three drinks, and my limit is two. I ended the night crying hard for hours. I have continued to believe he stopped wanting to be with me because I was too emotional, to the point of being seriously disturbed. That if I just hadn’t said/done/acted in this way and that. WTF?! I woke up this morning and I wanted to skip my ENT appointment, which I have every few months as a follow-up to my cancer treatment; and then I wanted to stay home sick from work. I didn’t. I said to myself, No, do not do what you’ve done before and stop your life and stop taking care of yourself. I went to my appointment and things look really good, and I found out I’ve lost 18 pounds since last fall, 6 pounds of it just this week. I stopped afterwards to get a coffee and reached out and offered some help to an old friend I hadn’t seen for awhile. I came to work and I was present and helpful to the first student I saw. Back to NC. I have decided to quit drinking entirely, even though I don’t drink often or very much, but it’s not part of my food plan anyway. It’s probably not healthy, but I just keep telling myself today, “ExBH is an asshole” because he is/was/will always be. I did not miss out on a wonderful person. I missed out on someone who treated me terribly. I have gotten clear about the behaviors I don’t want to repeat, and if I have to go to a counselor, I will.

    • topf says:

      Hey Jazz. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I didn’t know you’re a cancer survivor. It’s great your tests showed up clean! You are such a fighter. I know it’s difficult to stop being self-critical. But try? you are so nice around here, and you have survived BHs and cancer! Is there a bigger hero badge out there?

    • livealittle says:

      I agree with Topf. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Good for you trying to get out there for a jazz jam anyway. I am glad that I haven’t tried online dating yet because I’m sure I’d have an initial reaction similar to yours –even if I’d rather be indifferent. As for the non-drinking thing, I’m right there with you. You want to be my non-drinking ally? I used to have one or two drinks once or twice a month. In my recent experience, however, the next three days after just one beer are awful pity-parties and I get irritated with how self-involved I become.

      • jazzcanary says:

        Thanks you livealittle! Yes, let’s support each other on the non-drinking. It does seem to open Pandora’s box for me emotionally. I’ve also noticed since I’m eating about 1,000 calories a day less these days for weight loss, ETOH hits me like a train.

    • Coppergirl says:

      Look on the bright side, HE has to see your ad too and knows you saw his crappy old one. You should get on line on occasion just because it probably annoys him, AFTER you block him that is. Congrats on surviving and choosing to care for you, I too am a survivor. I too should stop drinking (2 glasses of high end red/week), I do it mainly as a form of rebellion against my situation (“never go quietly into that good night” and all that). We should form a gpyb sobriety group, eh?

      • jazzcanary says:

        You made me laugh, Coppergirl! Thanks! I didn’t dwell on what I saw, but was able to surmise in a glance that it’s the exact same ad and pic. I seriously considered putting up an ad looking for an activity partner, because that all I’m interested in, but right now I’m not feeling the self-esteem I think I should have even for that. Fortunately I have lovely friends.

        Oh, two glasses of the good red sounds entirely reasonable to me!

  8. lostsoul87 says:

    Totally lost, have been no contact for a while and it does help but feel like for 6 months I’ve been stuck waiting to hear the outcome of what if we can be friends. He says he will be in touch end of March but if he decides he needs longer I don’t know if I can do it! This is all on him, it’s his decision for as to when he is ready not me. I just wonder how much more I can take or should take. I’m no contact with him but I just can’t let him go because of this and I don’t know what to do. It feels like I have no courage.

    • livealittle says:

      Hey LostSoul87,

      I think you’ve got to give yourself credit for going no contact. It’s tough. I goofed up a few times and inevitably regretted it.

      He’s going to make a decision about your friendship at the end of March? Ugh. I don’t know much but I’m pretty sure there’s two people involved in a relationship. You can decide the fate of your “relationship with him” i.e. you don’t have to be friends with him. He sounds like a genuine BH.

    • jazzcanary says:

      I agree with livealittle on this one, lostsoul. I think it would be very empowering for you to decide what YOU want. I don’t want to be a friend to my ex. He broke my heart! Friends do not break your heart, and if they do, they’re no longer friends. You wrote if feels like you have no courage. Do you mean courage to completely let go? For what it’s worth, I’ve had to let go every single day, sometimes every hour, sometimes every five minutes. My struggle has been to not grab on again. It felt very scary to me, because it meant giving up all hope things would work out, and most scary, it meant facing the pain of the loss. That was the part I feared most, and the pain was what would drive me back. I remember during cancer treatment being in so much pain I could no longer imagine feeling any differently. This last break up has felt the same way.

  9. lostsoul87 says:

    Big hug to you Jazz, and thank you to both of you. You truly have helped.

  10. TravelGypsy says:

    Good morning all,
    I’ve been a fan of Susan’s for a long time and I’ve lurked on here for about a year now. I love the commitment and feedback from the folks on this site, it’s always a learning experience.
    I’d love to get some feedback on my own situation: at 43, I’ve already lost all of my immediate family members and I have no siblings, so any feedback is appreciated!!
    A year ago I started a relationship with a much younger guy (29). He is very sweet, caring, works a steady job, not a cheater (for once!), and has a good heart. However, his parents are religious and very “involved”. They see him on a weekly basis for church. They still plan several family vacations throughout the year, even though his siblings range from 24-31, and one is already engaged. They have a very strong hold over him as far as religion/politics (we are on opposite sides of the political spectrum which as caused several heated “discussions,” but I’ve tried not to let it ruin anything). Anyway, recently we had our big 1-year anniversary. I was planning a trip for us, however, his dad decided he wanted to take him to Mardi Gras with him, so he planned a lavish, all-expenses paid trip for the two of them, which he knew his son would probably not turn down. I’m still not sure if my boyfriend realized this trip would fall right on our 1-year anniversary, but he still decided to use all of his vacation time to go with him even after I pointed out that it fell on our anniversary. So, instead we planned a quick anniversary dinner the night before he was leaving for Mardi Gras with his dad. We got into a petty argument about politics that day (nothing huge), but I guess he was having a bad day at work and decided to cancel our anniversary dinner plans on me (he later cooled down and tried to mend it, but I had already made other plans for the evening to quell my depression). The next day, he left for the trip with his dad, I spent our first anniversary alone, and when he returned I ended the relationship.
    I am grieving because he was, at heart, a sweet guy. I think he has incredible potential. Maybe I will realize I made a mistake when I go back to dating untrustworthy jerks. But I feel strange being in a relationship with someone who continues to be unable (or unwilling) to set boundaries with their parents. He claims to love me but I can’t see competing with his parents for their son’s vacation time when his dad has lots of money to throw at him. His trips will always be more lavish (and free!)
    So…. was I selfish want this guy all to myself and want to put limits on his family trips when he sees his family weekly? Lemme have it 🙂 Thanks in advance!

    • livealittle says:


      Good job that you broke up with him! Your story made me cringe when you wrote about “involved” family and family vacations with adult siblings. I had a similar experience and it made me crazy how his family took precedence over mine. Eventually, I saw how much they took precedence over me. I admire your strength for getting out early. If I could talk to myself eight years ago, I’d tell myself this: Dump .Him. now. I remember thinking to myself”Hey this guy has a decent job and a car and doesn’t hit me. What a catch!” Oy. I thought so little of myself that I set the bar too low. (I still struggle with self-worth but I’m working on it)

      He forgot your anniversary and went out to party with his dad for Mardi Gras? Not cool! AT ALL!

  11. sophia says:

    Hi travelgypsy, i admire that you dumped him! Congrats! Seriously!
    You know what, if someone loves you dearly, i realize that the families, others, etc. doNOT anf canNOT come in between them. The real partner/lover never lets anything to leave you alone on an anniversary, or feel bad. This is what susan tries to explain all the time, and it sounds so impossible for most of us; because most of us never tasted this. But i am looking around me, i have friends having this. Their men buy flowers to them, their men take them to dinner, their men make anniversary plans, their men never allow their families to do anything ackward to them.
    I always did all the plans. I was always there for him when he had a big surgery. I organized birthday parties to him. And i remember he took me to a dinner for my birthday to the place i organized his birthday party! He never spent one minute to find a new place that i will like. How ackward when i now think.
    So. I am still going thru a big pain. He ended our 7 years of relationship. We were engaged for 2 years. It feels like my world has been destroyed. I cannot find my way.
    But again. Staying forever alone is better for settling a heart breaker. Because if someone breaks your heart, he will always break it (tested, and approved). If he does not care to leave you alone on your anniversary and if he makes his family the priority by leaving you lonely he WILL ALWAYS do the same (tested and approved).
    We do not have to feel 100% strong but we can at least act strong. No healthy woman will accept to spend an anniversary lonely (unless there is a very reasonable situation like health, death, etc).. Period. And we should NOT either. Settling for less to stay with someone in order diminish loneliness is way WORSE than staying single forever. although i am crying everyday and cannot bear the pain most of the time; from the deepest part of my heart and brain i can surely tell these to you. Lets surrender our Creator and lets pray for the BEST rather than settling for a heartbreaker. Big hugs to you!

  12. TravelGypsy says:

    livealittle & sophia~ THANK YOU. Thank you for taking the time to confirm what I was feeling.
    livealittle ~ I feel much better knowing that someone else went through this and confirmed that it will not get better. I kept wondering was I too harsh? Am I just heartless because I don’t have a family of my own anymore? Is growing old alone a better alternative than nosy/overbearing inlaws?
    This was his first major “adult” relationship so I cut him TONS of slack along the way, knowing it was a growing experience for him and I felt such love for him. And he was so great with my cats! LOL I thought after a year together he was starting to gain some independence from his family, but I see this is never going to happen. His younger brother (24) was smart and moved across the country for college, met a girl and now he’s engaged. I know this was able to happen because he had the freedom and privacy to foster this relationship. My boyfriend is not that strong and he’s the older one. He obviously does not have the will to set boundaries. At 43, I do not have the time or patience to wait it out.
    sophia ~ I am SO sorry for your breakup, I cannot imagine being engaged and having it end – even at my age I have never even gotten that close. I’ve always been cheated on, or not even considered as “marriage material,” most often I’ve been the “friend with benefits” which is even sadder! You have to know that when you get through the darkest time and start rebuilding yourself for your next journey, you will look back and say PHEW! Dodged a big one there, right? Cliche but true.
    Susan ~ A million thank you’s for creating a space for all of us strong ladies to support each other in tough times. Hugs to you all and thanks again.

  13. prettyosedale says:

    Hi there! I just started listening to the audiobook and boy I wish I started before wednesday night where I sent my ex a long text message and ask him a million questions why he just left me. I felt like I died when he said, “I don’t want to be with anyone, not YOU not anyone.” No third party was ever involved, we were really close friends and became lovers, I would say he’s the first person I ever trusted and put my wall down in my adult years. We were engaged, i was previously engaged and was getting married and then we happened, 3 months later he proposed to me and that’s not his personality so i was really shocked, but everything happened too fast. After the honeymoon phase reality kicked in. He’s depressed, and in constant anxiety. Multiple small fights, making him responsible for my happiness and all that. Almost 2 years later, He basically asked me to give him his freedom so he can find himself which I didn’t understand, i kinda do knowing him but I just refuse to understand and let him go but after the first couple of chapters through your book i learn that i really have to let go and remind myself. NC! NC ! NC! so i con’t going to the gym, listening to the book and writing on my blog. I miss him, a lot! and I’m dying each time. the nights are the hardest. It’s been 2months but yesterday was the first day I am fully ready to walk away and do everything i can to move on.

  14. happyoli says:

    Hey everyone.

    Its been a long time since I’ve posted. I’ve been NC for about a year now and have finally moved on from my ex. I feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself and gotten to be very independent.

    Now, I have gone on a few dates with a new guy. He seems to be very genuine and kind and has qualities that I am looking for. I’m keeping an eye out for red flags, and so far haven’t seen anything that has stuck out. Obviously, we are still getting to know each other and he may turn out to be wrong for me, but things seems to be going well.

    My problem is that now this is bringing me a lot of anxiety. I want to get to know him and enjoy his company but every time we make plans, I feel so anxious. I feel like I was so accustomed to being alone, that now I have a hard time dating! In the past, my trust was so violated and my past relationship left me so broken, that now I am scared to let him in. I know I can’t judge him based off of my ex’s actions, but I am having a hard time.

    • prettyosedale says:

      Maybe a little bit more time to know him? but you have to give your chance to be completely happy at least now you’re a lot stronger. Thank you for posting about your success on moving on and being single, sometimes I think is it really possible?

    • jazzcanary says:

      Happyoli, so glad to see your post! Congrats on moving on and getting out there again!

      I agree with prettyosdale, just keep taking your time. Don’t give the anxiety too much importance; just recognize it, take some deep breaths. What am I saying, though? I’m not ready. But I’ll share this: I’ve been afraid to that I’ll get in with someone who will hurt me, yet I can see now that I did recognize red flags, and I did know when my ex was acting badly, I just didn’t exit when they came up. Very early when we were dating, he showed some inconsiderate behavior, and when I tried to talk to him about it, he acted totally weird. I was assertive, but not accusatory, yet I did not get a positive respond. That was my cue to stop seeing him. His behavior kept escalating, and I kept making excuses, blaming myself, etc. I just kept getting more codpendent.

      My point is: you’ve learned, and it’s a kind of insurance against being completely devastated like before. I think we can never escape the risk of feeling some pain and disappointment if something doesn’t work out, but we don’t have to go back to total devastation again. We can stop the sickness before it almost kills us, you know?

      In the meantime, I’m glad there is someone treating you well, and you can enjoy it. Hugs!!!

    • sophia says:

      Hi happyoli, it is very good to learn people recovering and find people who love them. Really. This is so promising!
      A healthy relationship could be very odd to us, because we have not experienced it before. It is like eating a new fruit for the first time. (I guess).
      I think as also says in the codependency no more, when you are really sure that he is a good person, there are no red flags, and he values you; you then start to surrender to the Higher Power. Dont let the anxiety control you. Just surrender. It will not be easy, but surrender. And enjoy being loved and cared. And enjoy having peace with a man too. Big hugs to you. Please do share with us the updates. Very very good to hear people getting healed. Xoxo.

      • happyoli says:

        thank you so much everyone for your support and advice! I am going to focus on surrendering and being in the moment. I’ll continue with the updates. It is interesting to realize that while I have made progress with my codependency and bad relationships, it is still something I need to consistently work on. We all deserve the best!

  15. sarahbrooks119 says:

    Hello Everyone,

    It has been a little over month without contact. My two-year relationship ending has truly crushed my spirits, and I wish to heal, grow and eventually move forward with my life. I am a classic codependent person. I want to learn how to have healthier attachments and improve my self-esteem. Susan, I am thankful for this site, your articles and I am ready to begin the hard work needed!

    Reading your all of comments, I see so many similarities to my situation. I can say that although going no contact is gut-wrenching, it is starting to clear my mind and I am seeing him for what he really is/was. I am removing that pedestal I had him on!

  16. pugspebs says:

    I’m new here and have just started reading GPYB. Its been a week since my boyfriend of (only) 4 months broke up with me unexpectedly and in a hurtful way. He said it wasnt working, that the negatives outweighed the postives and that he didnt love me anymore. Only a few days before I had asked him if we were ok and he said yes. I was devastated. I know its for the best because there wasn’t really a future for us and I had been having some doubts the last month or so (I cant tell now if they were valid on my part or a reaction to feeling him pull away/act different). One day I’m perfectly fine and the next I dissolve into tears. Today is the first day I’m truly by myself and my day isnt being kept busy by work, friends or other activities. I’m struggling. I want to contact him and see if we can try again. I want to beg and plead with him. But the rational side of me knows not to do that and that it wouldnt be good for me. But then I get filled with anxiety and panic. I dont know if I can do this but then strangely, another part of me knows I’ll be ok. Is anyone else freshly single and in the same boat?

    • prettyosedale says:

      I am! I’m the same way now I’m taking it one day at a time, if today is a bad day I recognize it, if i need to cry or make myself feel better i do it, crying and vlogging about it makes me feel so much better. Make a blog that you could only read or journal, I talk to him there or I talk to myself, I’m so excited for the day I am healed!

      • happyoli says:

        I’m glad you realize that you know you will be okay! You shouldn’t have to beg or plead for someone to be with you. You deserve to be with someone who loves you.

        A private blog or journal is a great way to release that anxiety you feel when you are wanting to reconnect with him. Good luck to both of you!

        • pugspebs says:

          I promised myself I would come out of this breakup with my dignity in tact (unlike previous breakups) and so far so good! The urge to beg and plead was fleeting thankfully and I feel so much better today. I bought myself a journal and look forward to using it to keep me on track and accountable with respect to my thoughts and emotions.

      • pugspebs says:

        I bought myself a journal today and can’t wait to get started! I have so much to look forward to in the next month and am excited for the day I am healed too. As you say, one day at a time. We CAN get through this and find happiness again!

  17. onemoretry says:

    I am new here too. Just finished reading GPYB. I started my relationship about 2 years ago. This woman was so intense in the first 3 months or so and I was completely involved with her. I became co-dependent on her. After the first few months she started becoming distant, critical about everything I said or did, and never had time for me anymore.When I asked some of her time (say an evening or afternoon at a weekend) she said I was too needy and ended the relationship after 8 months. I was devastated but she wanted to stay friends and we saw each other as friends every three weeks or so. Another 8 months after our break up I had met someone else and told her about going into a relationship with this new person.
    She then said she still loved me and wanted me back. I of course accepted as I was still obsessed for her. This time it was worse as she wouldn’t have time to see me for two weeks and was even more distant. I didn’t know whether I was suffering because of her ignoring me or because I regretted having gone back to her.
    Another 4 months and I said to her that she either had to put time to us or we couldn’t go on. All I asked was to be able to see her more than once a week (week evening) and she decided she didn’t have time for me and I put too much pressure on her, and ended it again. This happened 6 weeks ago.
    In a way I was hoping that she ended it as I did not have the courage to do so and I could not go on that way. But when she broke up I was again devastated and after 6 weeks I still obsess about her. I know I would never be happy with her but can’t help not thinking about her. This is horrible. I have ruminated and cried all I could in the last 6 weeks and have processed it all. She never really loved me and I never set boundaries in our relationship. She would say things that I would never say to anyone let alone my partner and when I complained about her aggressiveness she just said it was her way.
    The maximum no contact I had was 8 days as she was texting me every 3 or 4 days to say what she up to. And I have to say that after 8 days of her not contacting me I couldn’t resist and texted her. I felt really bad for having done that and thought I am weak and will never get over this. I have to be able to ignore her is she doesn’t contact me and I know for a fact that I have to end this attachment as there is no hope for any relationship with her but I don’t know how to get rid of her in my mind. She is the first thing I think when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep.
    Today I have thought that I am very frustrated by the fact that I haven’t been able to get over this after 6 weeks and that makes it worse as I get panicked that this will last forever.
    Perhaps I need to accept that it might last for another few months and maybe one day I will just realize that she is not my priority anymore.
    I want to thank you all for having contributed to this forum. Thank you Susan for this opportunity. I will read every post and help if I can. I feel ashamed that my life is on hold at the moment because of someone who doesn’t deserve. But I can see I am not alone and maybe there is hope.
    May all of you be in peace.

  18. happyoli says:

    I’ve recently had it pointed out to me that I have a pattern of self-destructing. It’s so true! While things are going relatively well for me, I’ve been leaning towards decisions that could potentially ruin it. Thankfully, I have a good support system. However, I’m feeling defeated. I’ve been battling through the pain of a tough relationship, and now I’m seeing that I didn’t work on myself enough. I know I should do the life inventory and invest myself in journaling more. Tonight though I’m feeling too emotionally exhausted. I’ve realized I have some real issues I need to work on before I’m healthy enough to allow another person into my life.

    • topf says:

      dear happyoli, don’t beat yourself up. We all have our issues and difficulties. And in different ways, these issues are self-destructive. Try to practice self-compassion. I think it will be the best way to eventually defeat your demons.

  19. topf says:

    Hey guys. I haven’t been writing cuz I am abroad for a couple of weeks. I’m doing a language course and I’ve been overwhelmed with the foreign language and culture. But it’s fun. Everything is great and I am very happy to be where I am. Sadly, today my ex wrote me. He found someone to take over my part of the lease and this person wants to move in in April. That’d be great if I weren’t gone until the beginning of April. I think my ex will give me a few days after I’m back to sort things out. But it feels bad to be informed while I am away, unable to really do anything (so all this information does is to stress me out), being reminded of my life back home where I lost something I treasured. The thought of going back and having to finish getting my things out of the apartment we shared… It all feels meh right now.

  20. chris.c says:

    Hi Everyone,

    I am a brand new here and also just picked up the book. Thanks for the good read so far I am enjoying it. I do however have a few questions about my scenario as I feel like this book is slightly more leaning towards helping those who have not just lost a SO but are slightly more clinically effected? (sorry for that term it’s not proper I just mean people who have more experiences of being low, abandoned, adopted or have had other unfortunate life’s prior to this). I am a very happy person who loves his job, family, friends, village/community and hobbies and people know me as a shining star. I am very positive and filled with energy so I don’t find that I need the affirmation and gratitude boosting as much, I don’t really feel like I am an abusive background or that our relationship was ever abusive at all..frig… IT WAS PERFECT! I also haven’t finished the book so please forgive me for jumping on here early.

    My wife and companion of 6 years just left me about a month ago. We have been married for 2 and together for 4. We just bought a house and moved in 2 years ago right after we got married. We were the perfect couple… Never yelled at each other (did have scuffs and fights but we always worked through them and grew). We were so loving and caring to one another and other people and always had fun and shared many of the same hobbies, interested and friends. We were truly in vintage love (I thought). Just a month ago she came to me and said she was feeling distant and thought that she needed to leave me and be on her own. I took it calmly because I was probably in shock and also just love her and wanted to give her whatever she needed. The next day I broke down and couldn’t work. Drove home and asked to talk about it with her. She said she couldn’t really give me any other answers than that. I cried, begged, offered to sell the house, quit my job, do anything to help her figure her stuff out together. She said it wasn’t me or anything I did. (I know this to not be purely true because I also started to think about all of the things I could have done.. Now looking back I see that I was a stonewaller for most of our relationship and didn’t really know it. I also think that I just “didn’t water the garden” and lost a lot of compassion towards her like telling her I loved her everyday, kissing her when I saw her, taking her for everything she did (even if she cooked crappy food and got mad at me for trying to help her cook better food!). I also am very extrovert and have many hobbies, goals, jobs and friends and she is the exact opposite. She moved from her town to mine within the year after we met. She was 18 and I was 23. She was absolutely in love with me, couldn’t be without me and wanted nothing more that quality time (something that I saw myself giving her less and less of after our marriage) She had never had any goals really but claimed she didn’t need any just goals of being a good or better compassionate human. She also started to talk with more guys on the internet recently and said that after awhile she felt like there were other possibilities out there for her and now is the time in her life where so many doors are open to her. She needs to be on her own or with another person (whoa heartbreaker). She stayed in the same house with me for about 2 weeks where I tried to show her how I could be amazing like we were together when we met but I have the feeling she “checked out” awhile back. The saddest part is that she never really told me anything up front or brought it up. She is also extremely non-confrontational and now I see she probably did hint at things many times :(. She said she wanted 2 months to think about it but after 3 weeks told me that she was happy on her own and happy with the decisions and that she would be moving out for good.

    I have been kind and caring offering as much peace with this process as I can. I did try to explain why I think she was feeling unhappy and what all could have gone on and that I was so so sorry for all of the shit I had put her through ect ect but she said it was probably a small part but nothing really, it was just our relationship and how we were. She mentioned stuff like having different values now and she wants to be with someone that can help her grow on that level of spirituality. This blew my mind because I am one of the nicest guys you’d ever meet. So willing to help for nothing at the toss of a dime. Loving and appreciative of all races and humans… so confusing.

    I want to keep the house we bought but we are splitting the animals. She does not want to work it out with me or do counselling and says if it were us than she would bring it up but doesn’t think it is…. sad… I am now going to counseling myself to figure out if there is stuff I can work on for myself. I have picked up this book as well as a few others, quit coffee, weed, started to exercise more and do yoga and focusing on all of the areas I could possibly find that would have created tension between us or caused grief in either of our lives. I really do love this girl with all my heart and it is killing me to watch her just float away. Although there is nothing I can do and I know it.

    So basically I was wondering what the cards hold for me or our future. I dream of the day that she comes back for reconciliation but I know how hopeless and foolish that could be. I truly do think she loved me completely at some point and that some crazy combination of things just built up and were not communicated properly. What suggestions can you guys and girls make for my situation here? I have decided to grow and expand with this opportunity, taking up new healthy approaches and outlooks, working hard and trying to let her do her thing. I have offered to be her friend and be here for her for anything, whenever and that I still love her and would have my hand and heart out if she ever wanted to come back and work on it with me. I do want to honor our marriage however and be true and work hard for us, even is she is off finding herself and saying she is over us and never coming back. Is this foolish? At what point should I just give up on that? I know I have broken a lot of the codes of non-communication and showing weakness ect… but I was just being the person she fell in love with years ago so I figured I was fine. I know she is amazing and can be happy with anyone anywhere. I am also amazing and could probably have another amazing relationship also… But I fell in a life long love with this angel and I want nothing but to stick with the choice we both have made. I do realize this is out of my control and not realistic at this point but can’t help it, please help me!

    Any help would be great, seriously. I love you all for being here and having a place like this for so many broken hearts to reach out to! If you need more details on our relationship or the story please let me know I can fill in blanks!

  21. MB25 says:

    Hi everyone, hope you are all well! It’s been 8 months post breakup for me and the mental/emotional place I am now in, is really amazing. It feels so good to sit here and say how good I feel, how strong and powerful I feel to overcome (in a healthy way) one of the worst relationships and breakups I’ve ever been through. My ex and I were together for 8 months and these past 8 months post breakup feel so much better than those 8 months spent with him. That relationship was so toxic and full of manipulation and gas lighting–I am happy to be set free.

    I am on a self-loving journey where I’m learning so much about myself. I take myself out on dates, I go to places solo, I read more, I play with my dog more, visit family more, talk with friends more, and I’m so much more focused on my goals. I am just really proud of myself that I did not allow this breakup to break me. I listened to all of Susan’s advice. I’ve read both of her books and they are both so informative and helpful. The advice is a simple truth, you really just have to do the work and you will heal. It takes a lot of self-control though and you have to really want to change and live a better life. One that is independent of dating someone and being someone’s significant other. You have to see the beauty in life and all that it has to offer. We were put here on earth for far more than just being able to procreate and be someone else’s spouse/partner. Once you know this, you will begin to see life and love in a whole new way.

    With that said, I am still on my self-love journey and for 6 and a half months I was not dating at all. I think once you develop high standards for yourself, dating becomes more difficult because there’s a smaller pool of people who fit your standards to choose from. Plus, my mind isn’t even on that to be honest. However, a month ago I was out with a couple friends at a bar and I met a guy. He approached us and for some reason my friends kind of pressured him into asking me for my number because apparently I am in desperate need for a mate… I was upset about this and told my friends to please don’t ever do that again. I don’t need help finding a man and I’m sure he doesn’t need help finding a woman either. Anyways, he seemed respectful and kind so I said why not and gave him my number. Well two days later he messaged me and we set up our first date. The date was perfect! We went to dinner and talked and laughed and connected really well. I mean really well. So we set up date number two, which was dinner and a movie–again, the date went really well. We laughed and talked and connected the whole night. He’s such a gentleman and is really sweet too. So we set up date number three, which was a homemade dinner at his apartment cooked by him. At first I was a little hesitant about this because I am celibate and have been for 8 months now so I didn’t want him to get the wrong impression but figured since he seems respectful and mature for his age, why not?

    So I got to his place around 5:30 pm and he’s started cooking. We ate and watched a movie after dinner. Well up until we started watching the movie, everything was going perfect like the previous dates. We connected and laughed. He’s a good conversationalist and is very intelligent so we always get into deep conversations. Well anyway, I remember thinking in my head, I like this guy! And what I liked was that I wasn’t as obsessed with him like I was in my previous relationships. I would so caught up in them and I lusted after them and that usually clouded my judgment of them, but with this guy I just really want to take things slowly so I’m making sure not to jump the gun and be obsessed over him but just actually get to know him first and take my time.

    Anyway, 10 mins into the movie and he’s kissing me. I kissed him back but then I noticed he was trying to unbutton my shirt so I stopped him and then we had a little talk about me wanting to wait and take my time and get to know each other better before taking that next step. He seemed fine about it and was respectful and did not try again. I ended up watching two movies with him and left his place at around 10 pm. The following week I hardly heard from him. I reached to him and his reply was often “I’m busy….sorry”. Which is understandable because he’s in school like I am so I didn’t mind. This week I decided to not reach out to him because I’ve tried last week and he was always busy. Well I haven’t heard from him at all this week. Not even once. So I guess I know what this means. In the past we have gone a day without speaking before, but never more than a day. It’s been about 4 days now. He came off as really respectful and mature so I’m just surprised is all. I’m so proud of myself for standing my ground and not giving into him and keeping my standards! I feel wonderful!!

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