Heat Meet Kitchen

Thank you for the request in comments for this rerun. I had no memory of it at all.  I’m glad it helped before and hope it helps again.

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“If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” ~ Harry S. Truman

Yesterday I had a discussion with a client where I basically said, “If you don’t want to get hurt, don’t date.” Honestly and truly. I stress recovering from grief and unresolved grief because it’s the only way to fly.

Life is about loss. Unless every single person leaves on the same day you leave, or dies on the same day you die, you’re going to have losses. You’re going to grieve. You’re going to get hurt. Sorry for the reality check, but that’s the cold hard truth. You can realize, “Hey. I’m in a relationship with a bananahead and I must leave.”

Hurt will ensue. You can be going along tralala thinking all is right with the world and bananahead finds someone new. Bananahead leaves. Hurt will ensue. You find the most perfect human being on the face of the earth. You love each other in a way that neither of you have ever experienced. It’s great. It’s the best. Life is good. Some random bus runs over your lover. Hurt will ensue. If you’re the lover that the bus ran over, you never had to feel that hurt again.

But guess what? You’re dead. So, there’s that. But OTHERWISE, you’re hurt. Life is full of loss. So you’re either going to get hurt or you’re going to die before you get hurt. Either way… So if you’re alive and if you want to love again, you have to get right with the idea that hurt happens.

Loss happens. Grief happens. How to guard against it? Grieve your losses now. Take this breakup as an opportunity to learn how to work through all your unresolved losses, grieve your relationship.

Stop jumping from one bad scene to another. Stop staying in bad relationships. Take time out for you and heal your grief and learn how to get real with the idea that loss and grief happen and if you take a chance and get hurt, that’s life. You KNOW how to deal with it. You know how to grieve and how to be alone and how to rise up from the ashes. “I don’t want to get hurt…” is a completely unrealistic statement.

To stop getting hurt over and over again, you want to repair your broken chooser. Therefore you’re not in a series of relationships where you are hurt again and again and again. Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional.

Unless and until you fix your broken chooser, you will be in bad relationships forever and the hurt will get bigger and bigger and bigger. Eventually your pile is so big, you are overwhelmed and you can’t handle it. That kind of misery is preventable.

Stop running from loss. Stop running from grief. Stop running around saying, “I don’t want to be hurt!” Stop jumping from sick relationship to sick relationship. Stop trying to avoid sitting with your pain. The less work you do in between relationships, the less successful you’re going to be in them.

You have to, have to, have to minimize your opportunities to be hurt by doing your work. You have to maximize your ability to deal with being hurt by doing your work. Recognize that if you take a chance on love, you run the risk of being hurt. It’s part of the process. If you’re too fragile, get out of the kitchen. And stay out.

Otherwise, heal your hurt, know you will be okay no matter what and eventually you will be able to take a chance again. But only if you have learned how to heal the pain and stand the heat.

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2 Responses to Heat Meet Kitchen

  1. medda says:

    This was a great post for me, as I find myself all too often not just feeling hurt, but upset and SURPRISED that I’m hurt! As if life somehow betrayed me and gave me a big load of hurt and “it wasn’t supposed to be like this!” But this post reminds me that hurt is a natural and normal component of taking the risk to love others, and something we can actually endure with serenity if we have the right attitude about it.

    Of course we don’t have to load the dice by picking idiot partners who are certain to hurt us! Accepting the risk of being hurt as we venture into new relationships is one thing – playing with fire whereby we are ASSURED of major hurt by getting involved with truly dreadful people is another!

    We have to own the responsibility for our situations and start taking this seriously. We chose to get involved in these crappy relationships. We picked partners others wouldn’t have touched with a ten foot pole. We trusted them before they proved they could be trusted. We jumped into sexual relationships without much discussion. We moved in with them before there was any real commitment. We got involved for all the wrong reasons. We accepted sub-standard treatment far longer than we should have. We ignored all the red flags.

    In short, we have to endure the consequences of our actions. Not theirs, ours. OURS! Not that we deserve to be punished, I’m not saying that – BUT there are consequences when we act foolishly and there is a price that has to be paid. I think the price is a mature willingness to hold these uncomfortable feelings, the anger, the grief, the resentment, the envy – basically the HURT, and understand that WE have to deal with this in a mature and accepting way. This is actually a really self-loving thing to do. And not be so surprised and outraged that “it shouldn’t be this way. It’s not fair. He’s got off scot-free, he’s having a great life with a new young thing and I’m alone and miserable.” (I’m majorly guilty of this myself, and I cringe when I think of how much time I’ve spent being angry at my most recent and even past BHs, plotting revenge, feeling like “how dare they hurt me – I’ll get them back!” and so on. All foolishness. )

    That’s part of the deal, the risk that we ALL took when we got involved in these dodgy relationships. We picked ‘em, we got hurt, and now we’re responsible for our attitudes on how we handle this hurt. One of the best definitions of maturity I ever heard is that you don’t blame anyone anymore for what happens. You don’t blame others. You don’t blame yourself. You see clearly what happened and what needs to be done to heal and learn. Which, as almost every post here keeps trying to drill into our heads, is to put the focus on US, not them – to learn to be good to ourselves, forgive ourselves, love ourselves, understand ourselves, value ourselves.

    Since as Susan says, hurt is inevitable if you risk loving someone, for heaven’s sake let’s at least minimize the risk by choosing our actions wisely from now on!!

  2. Marie83 says:

    What a great post and one I can really relate to. I think the fear of rejection and of being abandoned made me very hesitant to get into long term relationships – the first sign of trouble I was out of there. However when I met the BH I stayed with him even though he treated me badly and made me feel crazy. I am trying to learn that although he does have problems (emotional unavailability etc) I also have my own ‘issues’ I crave mutual respect and real closeness, yet I graviate towards the complete opposite of that

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