Thank you for the request in comments for this rerun. I had no memory of it at all. I’m glad it helped before and hope it helps again.
“If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” ~ Harry S. Truman
Yesterday I had a discussion with a client where I basically said, “If you don’t want to get hurt, don’t date.” Honestly and truly. I stress recovering from grief and unresolved grief because it’s the only way to fly.
Life is about loss. Unless every single person leaves on the same day you leave, or dies on the same day you die, you’re going to have losses. You’re going to grieve. You’re going to get hurt. Sorry for the reality check, but that’s the cold hard truth. You can realize, “Hey. I’m in a relationship with a bananahead and I must leave.”
Hurt will ensue. You can be going along tralala thinking all is right with the world and bananahead finds someone new. Bananahead leaves. Hurt will ensue. You find the most perfect human being on the face of the earth. You love each other in a way that neither of you have ever experienced. It’s great. It’s the best. Life is good. Some random bus runs over your lover. Hurt will ensue. If you’re the lover that the bus ran over, you never had to feel that hurt again.
But guess what? You’re dead. So, there’s that. But OTHERWISE, you’re hurt. Life is full of loss. So you’re either going to get hurt or you’re going to die before you get hurt. Either way… So if you’re alive and if you want to love again, you have to get right with the idea that hurt happens.
Loss happens. Grief happens. How to guard against it? Grieve your losses now. Take this breakup as an opportunity to learn how to work through all your unresolved losses, grieve your relationship.
Stop jumping from one bad scene to another. Stop staying in bad relationships. Take time out for you and heal your grief and learn how to get real with the idea that loss and grief happen and if you take a chance and get hurt, that’s life. You KNOW how to deal with it. You know how to grieve and how to be alone and how to rise up from the ashes. “I don’t want to get hurt…” is a completely unrealistic statement.
To stop getting hurt over and over again, you want to repair your broken chooser. Therefore you’re not in a series of relationships where you are hurt again and again and again. Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional.
Unless and until you fix your broken chooser, you will be in bad relationships forever and the hurt will get bigger and bigger and bigger. Eventually your pile is so big, you are overwhelmed and you can’t handle it. That kind of misery is preventable.
Stop running from loss. Stop running from grief. Stop running around saying, “I don’t want to be hurt!” Stop jumping from sick relationship to sick relationship. Stop trying to avoid sitting with your pain. The less work you do in between relationships, the less successful you’re going to be in them.
You have to, have to, have to minimize your opportunities to be hurt by doing your work. You have to maximize your ability to deal with being hurt by doing your work. Recognize that if you take a chance on love, you run the risk of being hurt. It’s part of the process. If you’re too fragile, get out of the kitchen. And stay out.
Otherwise, heal your hurt, know you will be okay no matter what and eventually you will be able to take a chance again. But only if you have learned how to heal the pain and stand the heat.