Many of you would like the ex to “get theirs” or at least not seem so irritatingly happy or non-plussed. First, this is a normal and natural emotion but don’t dwell there. Second, they will get theirs only you don’t know when and you don’t know how and they might not even know it when it happens.
“And in the end
the love you take
is equal to
the love you make.”
When we’ve been hurt by someone who couldn’t really care less that they’ve hurt us, even though they once professed to love us, part of our emotional spectrum is hoping that they get theirs. We blister with rage when they seem to just go on and do whatever while we sit in breakup hell writhing in pain. It seems so unfair and we want something, anything, bad to happen to them. We don’t wish terrible things on them, but we’d love for Life to wipe that smile off their face. We’d like SOMETHING to occur that would tell us they are not just moving on without a hiccup…that it’s not so easy for them.
You don’t want to hear that it might not ever happen. You don’t want to hear that life isn’t fair and it’s not supposed to be fair. But we want someone to pay for our pain and we want to believe that good people get good stuff and bad people get bad stuff. And when it doesn’t work out that way, we hate it and we feel, instinctively, that it’s wrong. And we have trouble handling it. We want to shout, “BUT I WAS GOOD!!!” and even if we were not as good as we think we were, we know damn well we were better than people getting better stuff than us, looking happier than us, having an easier time than us.
Revenge is never a good idea. Even though it seems as if your anger needs an outlet and the ONLY possible one is one with a target and the ONLY possible target is your ex or your ex’s new love. Anger and outrage are normal emotions after you have been hurt by someone or led on or lied to or cheated on etc. It’s NORMAL to feel incredibly pissed off. It’s even normal to have a revenge fantasy or two, but it’s NOT OKAY (EVER) to act on it.
Revenge will not be the thing that makes you feel better (okay, maybe for a moment). In short, acting out vengefully impedes our progress. It impedes our progress to retaliate against someone by smearing his or her good name to all they know. It impedes our progress to stay focused on them and the dirty, rotten things we want to do to them in our anger. It’s not okay and it’s not your place to make sure something terrible happens to this person or to be the instrument to make it happen. It’s simply NOT OKAY.
I wrote this post a long time ago and so many of my readers seem to be struggling with this I wanted to rerun it. Dance everyone!
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. – George Bernard Shaw
Sometimes we are the family skeleton, the black sheep, the shame of the clan. Many times it’s because the clan is completely nuts. A dysfunctional family needs someone to focus on, someone to blame things on, someone to point to when things go wrong. In clinical settings, we call that person the “identified patient” or IP. It means that in a sick family system, the group has subconsciously elected one person to act out all the family sickness in a very overt way while the rest of the family acts it out in a covert way. Even if the IP tries to act “not sick,” the family will send messages to “get back where you belong” and set the IP up for failure.
Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed. – Corita Kent
When I first moved into my own (just mine) house, I noticed that there were flower beds both lining the driveway and in various places around the yard. Growing up in the city, I knew nothing about gardening, but thought that the beds would look rough without flowers so I decided to learn something about gardening and plant my own.
I bought about 10 huge and very expensive gardening books (because that’s what I do when I want to learn about something) and spent most of the next few months going over them to learn about cultivating the soil, what flowers were almost sure to bloom and which ones would either be difficult to grow or take much loving care.
Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid it will never begin. ~ Grace Hansen
This post was written a year before the book was published and when Michael was well (I mention him at the bottom of the post). I think it needs a rerun. Someone asked me in an email to share what I did to build a life of my own (because I kept saying this is what you need to do in order to be the right person). Not that I recommend anyone do the same as I’ve done but here is my list of what I did to be a full and complete person ON MY OWN separate and apart from everyone else. You can take my list and fill it with your own “stuff”. 🙂 Happy Building!!!
Posted in grief, hobbies, life, loss, love, meetup.com, painting, ravelry.com, recovery, relationship, relationships, thought for the day
The 1996 photo was taken during our wedding vows. The 2007 photo was taken dancing at my son’s wedding. We looked at each other with as much, if not more love, than on our wedding day. The years between had pounded us with many adversities but we stood together through thick and thin. I went back to New York after 2 years in Texas and left Michael there to sell the house. I had no idea the house would take 2 years to sell. We spent a lot of money, not only on my Manhattan apartment and the Texas house, but flying back and forth at least once a month. We spoke every day. It was a difficult separation but we trusted each other completely and never argued about anything in those years.
In trying to move spammers and sploggers off the blog – which takes a lot of time each week – the user directory was culled back and you may need to re-register. I apologize for any inconvenience but the number of new registrations each day was more than I could keep up with and I did several passes through the users directory with a few different tools and realized one of the tools was over zealous and wiped out regulars. Sorry guys. Please reregister!
Your true traveller finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty – his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure. – Aldous Huxley
When difficult times and people leave our lives, we often find the void almost too much to bear. We feel as if there is this huge gaping hole in our lives and in our heart. We are not quite sure what to do with ourselves.
Check in! Okay everyone who emailed me about the check-in web going away needs to post how they are!!! 🙂
Okay guys, I received dozens of emails asking for comments and Check-ins to come back. Okay, but you guys have to show me you’re alive out there. One more time…
I hate to sound the alarm, but March bootcamp is filling up quickly. Also, due to an increase in hosting and software fees, this is the last bootcamp offered at this price. There will be an increase on the next one. Reserve your spot here !!!!
Requested Repost. Reader Email. I’m always amazed at what posts my readers remember. They ask for articles I barely remember writing, but here it is.
This post is a mashup of several previous posts. I talk about my ex in this post who was sick at the time. He subsequently passed and only my oldest son attended his wake. The other 2 wanted nothing to do with him.
I am in that place of being angry and wanting my STBX to feel how badly he hurt me. Everyone thinks he is this GREAT guy. I am really and truly not exaggerating either! NO one knows the abusive husband he was behind closed doors as he was always so kind, considerate and respectful of everyone else in his life and careful not to be a jerk to me in public.
I have been doing workshops in NYC since 2006. I LOVE doing them but I used to do them through the Learning Annex and they don’t really support weekend workshops (GPYB/GPYP really needs an entire weekend). I have been asked numerous times to come to x city and do workshops and/or seminars.
“Grief is a spiral. But am I going up or coming down?” ~ C.S. Lewis
Requested repost: I write about recycling in GBOT because dating often triggers recycling, but so does an anniversary date, the ex’s birthday, moving into your own place, going on a trip you were supposed to go on together etc etc etc. Many things can trigger recycling.
There is a standard body of grief and loss literature but it’s still evolving. Still, I’ve read most of it over the past 20 years or so. I’ve written countless papers and 3 college theses on grief.
One thing that researchers do agree on is that grief is a process and it can vary wildly from person to person depending on the person, the loss, the type of loss, the person’s history with grieving (or not) and environmental and social factors.