I will post some new posts here on occasion, but will publish new articles mainly on Psychology Today. For the PT articles, go to THIS LINK.
We have a very active and supportive group on Facebook and have moved discussion/support to the Facebook group at http://www.Facebook.com/groups/GettingPastYourBreakup
Please join us there! It is a CLOSED group and will not show up on your TL and your friends/family won’t know you are there. We take the privacy extremely seriously.
IF you are not on FB because you left FB to not see your ex in your friends’ posts, I understand that, but you can block those friends. If you’re not on FB and they don’t expect to see you there, they’re not going to know you blocked them. I know that blocking the ex, the ex’s family and mutual friends is hard, but if you’re not on FB for that reason, just go on and block them.
To keep the FB group safe, I don’t approve brand-new FB accounts with no friends. BUT, if you’ve never used FB but are registered on the blog, send me your FB name and I will approve you for the group. Email gpyb DOT com AT gmail DOT com (yes, two dot coms). You can also reach me via the contact form on Psychology Today. Go to any GPYB/GBOT article and hit the Contact button.
Please see this link above for other links to GPYB resources…our videos, Psychology Today posts and others!
Getting Past Your Breakup Resources:
Getting Past Your Breakup Recommends:
Two years ago I did a Kicking Codependency/Raising Self Esteem on-line bootcamp. It was attended by a few of my individual clients and a few people from the blog. It was an incredible experience for all involved. I thought it was a one-time thing and then one of my clients asked, this past December, when I would be offering it again. He said he has a friend who really needs it. I keep hearing stories that indicate that codependency is a major issue for a lot of people. After much thought, I’ve decided to offer it again starting this month.
Codependency kills. That is NOT a phrase to be taken lightly. As an ES Clinician I saw many people show up in the ER after a failed suicide attempt. I also counseled many people who had a family member successfully kill themselves. In every instance, it seems that codependency was running the show. I remember when I was early in codependency recovery, a cousin-in-law’s brother killed himself after a breakup. I knew the couple when they were together and he was a textbook example of codependency. He was overly enmeshed in her issues and problems and was the supreme “helper” as most codependents are.
How is everyone doing? Please check in!
Many of you would like the ex to “get theirs” or at least not seem so irritatingly happy or non-plussed. First, this is a normal and natural emotion but don’t dwell there. Second, they will get theirs only you don’t know when and you don’t know how and they might not even know it when it happens.
“And in the end
the love you take
is equal to
the love you make.”
When we’ve been hurt by someone who couldn’t really care less that they’ve hurt us, even though they once professed to love us, part of our emotional spectrum is hoping that they get theirs. We blister with rage when they seem to just go on and do whatever while we sit in breakup hell writhing in pain. It seems so unfair and we want something, anything, bad to happen to them. We don’t wish terrible things on them, but we’d love for Life to wipe that smile off their face. We’d like SOMETHING to occur that would tell us they are not just moving on without a hiccup…that it’s not so easy for them.
You don’t want to hear that it might not ever happen. You don’t want to hear that life isn’t fair and it’s not supposed to be fair. But we want someone to pay for our pain and we want to believe that good people get good stuff and bad people get bad stuff. And when it doesn’t work out that way, we hate it and we feel, instinctively, that it’s wrong. And we have trouble handling it. We want to shout, “BUT I WAS GOOD!!!” and even if we were not as good as we think we were, we know damn well we were better than people getting better stuff than us, looking happier than us, having an easier time than us.
I wrote this post a long time ago and so many of my readers seem to be struggling with this I wanted to rerun it. Dance everyone!
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. – George Bernard Shaw
Sometimes we are the family skeleton, the black sheep, the shame of the clan. Many times it’s because the clan is completely nuts. A dysfunctional family needs someone to focus on, someone to blame things on, someone to point to when things go wrong. In clinical settings, we call that person the “identified patient” or IP. It means that in a sick family system, the group has subconsciously elected one person to act out all the family sickness in a very overt way while the rest of the family acts it out in a covert way. Even if the IP tries to act “not sick,” the family will send messages to “get back where you belong” and set the IP up for failure.
Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid it will never begin. ~ Grace Hansen
This post was written a year before the book was published and when Michael was well (I mention him at the bottom of the post). I think it needs a rerun. Someone asked me in an email to share what I did to build a life of my own (because I kept saying this is what you need to do in order to be the right person). Not that I recommend anyone do the same as I’ve done but here is my list of what I did to be a full and complete person ON MY OWN separate and apart from everyone else. You can take my list and fill it with your own “stuff”. 🙂 Happy Building!!!
Posted in grief, hobbies, life, loss, love, meetup.com, painting, ravelry.com, recovery, relationship, relationships, thought for the day
The 1996 photo was taken during our wedding vows. The 2007 photo was taken dancing at my son’s wedding. We looked at each other with as much, if not more love, than on our wedding day. The years between had pounded us with many adversities but we stood together through thick and thin. I went back to New York after 2 years in Texas and left Michael there to sell the house. I had no idea the house would take 2 years to sell. We spent a lot of money, not only on my Manhattan apartment and the Texas house, but flying back and forth at least once a month. We spoke every day. It was a difficult separation but we trusted each other completely and never argued about anything in those years.
In trying to move spammers and sploggers off the blog – which takes a lot of time each week – the user directory was culled back and you may need to re-register. I apologize for any inconvenience but the number of new registrations each day was more than I could keep up with and I did several passes through the users directory with a few different tools and realized one of the tools was over zealous and wiped out regulars. Sorry guys. Please reregister!
Your true traveller finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty – his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure. – Aldous Huxley
When difficult times and people leave our lives, we often find the void almost too much to bear. We feel as if there is this huge gaping hole in our lives and in our heart. We are not quite sure what to do with ourselves.
Check in! Okay everyone who emailed me about the check-in web going away needs to post how they are!!! 🙂
Okay guys, I received dozens of emails asking for comments and Check-ins to come back. Okay, but you guys have to show me you’re alive out there. One more time…
I hate to sound the alarm, but March bootcamp is filling up quickly. Also, due to an increase in hosting and software fees, this is the last bootcamp offered at this price. There will be an increase on the next one. Reserve your spot here !!!!
Requested Repost. Reader Email. I’m always amazed at what posts my readers remember. They ask for articles I barely remember writing, but here it is.
This post is a mashup of several previous posts. I talk about my ex in this post who was sick at the time. He subsequently passed and only my oldest son attended his wake. The other 2 wanted nothing to do with him.
I am in that place of being angry and wanting my STBX to feel how badly he hurt me. Everyone thinks he is this GREAT guy. I am really and truly not exaggerating either! NO one knows the abusive husband he was behind closed doors as he was always so kind, considerate and respectful of everyone else in his life and careful not to be a jerk to me in public.
For most of you who have read the book, you know that I talk about closure and “end of the grief process” in different ways. Because they are not the same. To describe the end of the grief process, I use the words “acceptance” or “integration” or “reorganization” because that is truly what happens at the end. You integrate the loss and all the changes in you from the loss, from the experience of moving through it and moving on.
You integrate the effects of this experience, the loss and the grief that follows and the you that emerges from walking through the grief, into your life and you go on, a different, changed person. If you’ve walked through it and done the work you are better, stronger and freer. If you have not you may be afraid and more limited in your ability to love and to live.
People will say “I need closure.” and that is really a somewhat meaningless refrain. They will bandy about this “I need closure” as a reason to get in touch/stay in touch. They will insist they need to say goodbye or communicate or say things that were left unsaid “for closure.” Nonsense.